140: Operation Make Self Scarce

Last night was not a good night. M and I were running errands and everything was fine and dandy which led to the usual upset in me. Because when things seem okay, I know that really, they’re not and they’re not gonna stay that way and I get sad and frustrated. So M and I sat on the couch to “talk.” I said a few things… and he was very matter of fact, this is not true and I so did this and then after a little while got up to do something… then came back to pop a movie into the DVD player. I said I didn’t want to watch anything and he said, frustrated, “isn’t that enough feeling bad for one day?”

Long story short… we talked again and again he had to cut it short. I tried to leave last night… for a drive. Anywhere. Because I couldn’t sit in this little apartment feeling like my boyfriend couldn’t “deal” with me. He asked me please not to go and held me while I cried. I ended up staying because he told me when I leave he feels like I’m giving up. Well what am I supposed to do? He can’t deal with the issues. I can’t just be okay. I’m so tired of everything.

So today he’s going to/participating in a car show. I was supposed to go but I told him he should go alone. I feel honestly like if he hardly saw me, then he’d be all about loving me and giving me what I need. That’s the story of men. And you know what, right now, I don’t want to deal with him. So I’m making myself scarce. I can’t handle him taking off for a whole Saturday and suddenly being loving. It’s because he distracts himself from the issues and problems and then thinks he can just come home and be Mr. Good Boyfriend and it’s all frickin better. Well it’s not. Because I feel like we’re just pretending nothing happened, there’s nothing to work through when there’s so much resentment and hurt. And I’m TIRED.

So I’m pulling the “make yourself scarce” from Why Men Love Bitches and using it for two reasons.

1. I HAVE to focus on ME. My life is such a mess and I’m so miserable for more reasons than just M. I want to leave. I have to leave. I have to go somewhere where I know I want to be and settle in. I have to be away from the rotten design market so I can do my business. I have to be somewhere where I’m happy to be so that I can have drive. I have to have MY space. Moving to Hawaii is at the top of my priority list right now. Finding ways to make that move have to be my focus. Jobs, freelance, selling crap. I have to leave.

2. I can’t deal with M right now. He can’t deal with me and I have to get my life on track without him. I don’t feel close to him, I don’t feel like he cares and I can’t wait around forever.

So I made a list of ways to not be around. And I’m gonna try and just get MY SPACE from this mess because I don’t have the energy anymore.

141: No where to go.

I have no space. No where to go and just do what I want, in my space. This is important to me. EXTREMELY important to me. I go to work and the space has me sitting with my back to everyone else. And there’s BUGS. Spiders and centipedes and stuff… which, I DON’T DO bugs in inside spaces. My apartment is shared with M and since it’s kind of tense, it’s not a real great place to be… that and it’s crammed full of CRAP. So there’s no space. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I NEED my space.

I have my car… which I usually do find myself driving somewhere and parking when I really need to have some quiet time. But it’s not enough.

This is the first time I really haven’t had my own space. When I lived at home, my room was obviously my space. When I moved out with the ex… he claimed the couch and TV and the kitchen nook become my space. Then we upgraded apt after apt, all with an extra room that became my “office” art room. I happily shared with the cat. Then my house… my big beautiful house… with it’s three bedrooms and two levels. The ex was again, down by the TV, while I claimed the sunlit second bedroom upstairs. My haven. And then I moved to my apt alone… two bedrooms, ALL mine… and then back to the house with M, second bedroom reunited. THEN…. the move to this shit hole.

One issue is that we have too much stuff. One issue is that M is an internet addict and is always on my machine since his can’t hook up. Another is that he too is a creative and has a desk and bins of art crap… and we have TOO tiny of a space. UGH..

Yesterday I was really motivated. I decided on a list of possible ways to make more money. I was gonna do our website real nice… make some business cards, clean. I was gonna get shit done. But apparently my motivation doesn’t like messes because it waited outside when I got home. I did nothing but mope in my messy place. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t clean it. And again today, I’m crazy motivated but I know when I get home that will end. What to do?

Well, I’ve decided that I’m getting my ass to Hawaii. My mom has been telling me that she is willing to ship me out there if M and I break up and my life is still a giant mess… she wants to take care of me and has convinced me that a total change of scenery would help. And I really think it would. Denver is a dead town to me at this point. I want no future here. So that’s what’s motivating me… $$ to get to HAWAII. I don’t want my mom to have to ship me… even if she did, I’d need a chunk of savings. So I’m all over this. SCREW YOU DENVER!

143: Friends Wanted

So… A’s not talking to me. The first time we hung out, she invited me to go camping with her family. I said something along the lines of… “Uh, probably, I don’t know. Ask me closer.” Then as we hung out more it turned into her telling me not to forget about camping, I’m not getting out of camping. Okay… maybe it will be fun. But the type of metal state I’m in now means that today I can be fine and tomorrow, i just want to sit at home to unwind and de-stress. After talking to her last weekend at the BBQ and learning we needed a bunch of things we don’t have and it’s her huge extended family… I opted not to go. Besides, we’re not that close.

And just like that, we’re not talking… but you know what? I’m okay with that.

The reason is that I don’t like high maintenance and high pressure “friends.” She wants to watch Sex and the City the movie which means I have to park my ass on her couch so many nights a week or else we won’t see it in time. I suck because no, I don’t want to hang out tonight, I had a bad day. That’s not really a friend in my mind. Everything revolves around her and what SHE wants. No one else would watch it with her, I said sure, now I’m on a schedule with her deadline looming.

This all came up last night when M and I were talking about the what ifs. I was saying how I’m frustrated and unmotivated because right now I have no idea what’s gonna happen in my life. I could get laid off. I could be single and have to move… etc. It’s all up in the air. M says not to stress because at least I have a friend I could half move in with. Meaning, don’t have to move furniture, just clothes and computer. I said first of all… if I have to leave, I’m MOVING OUT. No displacing myself temporarily. I need my space. Second, I don’t want to live with A. She’d be in my face ALL the time making me do stuff with her when I really don’t want to.

What I really need is to build a support group of people I like. People that are understanding and compassionate. No pressure friends. Let me make it clear, I’m not a flaky friend. But right now, I am a tad. I’d rather not go camping because my mood’s not great. If it was important and the plans revolved around me, I’d be there. But they don’t…

Anyways… I basically realized I don’t have any good friends. My personality really doesn’t require that many, but I need a support system. My mom’s in a different time zone with a different schedule… my sister is set on me living alone to “find myself” and have a good single time… my other friend, we’ll call AA, lives in freaking Iowa and has NO TIME to breath let alone talk… and that ends my support list.

What I need and want is a friend that I can call up and talk about the day… talk about the stresses and issues, have some laughs. Go to dinner and happy hour, movies and bad TV, walks and shopping. People who say “no biggie hun, feel better and let me know if you want company” when I call to cancel because I’m feeling low. THAT’S what I need.

By the way… the side blog lives again! For good now 

144: Taking Control vs Giving Up

This morning didn’t start out so well and I was already feeling low. I rolled out of bed at 7:30 and planned to jump rope… First it was too long (it seemed), then it was too short… then it seemed just right. Yet every time I jumped, it would trip me up somehow and hurt my knee. Defeated, I gave up and got ready for work. I’m thinking I’m just not coordinated yet? I couldn’t find a bowl to eat cereal with because the sink is filled with EVERY dish we own, dirty, since the dishwasher is being replaced… Then I took off on my long commute without my healthy packed lunch. ARGH! One of those mornings right?

Well today I’m making the choice NOT to get upset and flustered. Not to get set back. I clocked out of work and drove over the Jamba Juice for a all fruit and soy protien smoothie. I have some carrots here and I intend to eat WELL regardless of the fact my lunch is spoiling on the counter at home.

I’m going to do the Pilates DVD when I get home since I’m not sore from yesterday… workout #1. Then I’m going to clean so that it’s not so stressful to be at home… THEN, I’m going to do whatever I want before heading to the gym for a run… workout #2.

I have to remind myself things won’t go according to plan EVERY day. That things will change, plans get messed up and routines interrupted. I don’t have to get upset, I don’t have to give up, instead, I’m taking control.

145: Let’s Get This DONE

Today is a new day in a lot of ways for me. I’m feeling very focused and determined to make change happen. I had a balanced weekend. 1 day of good, 1 day of not so good. Saturday was spent waking up early, working out hard, cleaning, car show and a BBQ with A. Sunday was spent curled up in a ball of uncertainty and frustration over M.

I lost my focus.

But it’s okay… because over the weekend I also picked up a book off my bookshelf. It’s called Aveda Rituals and it’s focus is beauty and health, inside and out. It talks about achieving balance and happiness through treating your body right, meditation, spirituality, reflection, journaling and goal setting and more. It really helped get me refocused whenever I wavered off course. And today, I making the change happen.

I woke up this morning and did a couple segments of my Pilates DVD… M made a superstar healthy breakfast which involved eggs, turkey bacon, yogurt/bananas and juice. I’ve been keeping track of my eating all day, counting water intake and looking forward to my second workout tonight. I really think I’ve created the perfect fitness plan for me… but like it says in Aveda Rituals, I’m going to re-evaluate after a little practice. Today I took (sigh) my first set of pictures. Man oh man… you want a way to motivate yourself? Take your picture! It’s honest. I’m also about to step on the scale to record my weight and then measure all my target areas… I’m going to weigh myself every morning at the same time and take my weekly average. I’m also going to take new photos and measurements each Monday to keep track of progress. I’m telling you… I’m really motivated. (plus… I will post the first ones with the final ones on my birthday!)

I also for the first time feel like I have a plan of attack. This week’s exercise is set up… next, I want to work on a system for eating and shopping. I’ve been eating well, but not really meals. And for me to stay on track on a diet, I know I need to feel like I’m not dieting, which means MEALS. What I want to do is create a board with 7 days, broken down into 6 meals. Then I’m going to make a bunch of post its. A bunch of breakfast options, lunch options, dinners and snacks. Then I can use those to plan my week and dictate my grocery shopping. I want to do this every Sunday.

And most important… I need to attack my emotional health. Right now, it’s not great. I’ve been frustrated over M and I, sad… stressed about everything else in life and unfulfilled in general. I really want to start journaling more frequently and consistently. I want to incorporate mediation into my routine and stretch those stiff creative muscles. So I need to work on a plan for that… what I’d like, is to write morning pages and evening pages. Mornings to clear my mind, focus on what I want to accomplish and even record any dreams… night are to again clear my mind of the stresses of the day so that I don’t sleep on any of it.

So that’s where I am…. lot’s going on and I’m so pumped up!

149: A bright idea

This morning I woke up at 6:50, but was too tired to get up. I reset my alarm only to have the cat wake me up at 7:15 demanding food. I figured… I may as well work out. But then I thought about how it takes 30 minutes round trip to get to the gym, which meant by time I found all my clothes, my member card and keys, I would be rushing when it came time to leave for work. So instead I did some pushups, crunches, lunges… Then I tried to remember some pilates moves and suddenly, duh! I OWN a pilates DVD!

So I rummaged through our movie cabinet and low and behold, there she be. Open, but never used. Well maybe once? Kinda? Doesn’t matter. The reviews online said it’s pretty good. Then I looked online at other home workout options… Before running out and buying another DVD for cardio, I decided to start with jumping rope. It says to start slow… 5 mins a day and work up to 15 - 20. You can burn 200ish calories in 15 minutes. Awesome.

So my new workout plan is as follows:

Monday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates Video (1hour)
>> 8:00pm :: 20min BFL run / Lift triceps and biceps

Tuesday
>> 7:30am :: Jump Rope (15) / Push ups
>> 8:00pm :: 20min BFL run

Wednesday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates Video (1hour)
>> 8:00pm :: 20min BFL run / Lift chest and back

Thursday
>> 7:30am :: Jump Rope (15) / Push ups
>> 8:00pm :: 20min BFL run

Friday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates Video (1hour)
>> 8:00pm :: 20min BFL run / Lift legs and shoulders

Saturday
>> 8:00am :: 20min BFL run

Sunday
>> 8:00am :: Jump Rope (15) / Push ups

As far as eating… I’ve been working on eating “clean” as I read about on In My Heels and heard about from other various sources. Fresh fruits, veggies, salads, 100% juices, no sugar or preservatives, fresh meats and of course, water. I’ve been doing pretty well… Except for the minor puffins setback. Have you had puffins? The peanut butter kind… O.M.G. YUM. Once I finish my Secret Work Box… I’ll stop.

Anyways. Bootcamp for me starts tomorrow morning when I start this hardcore two-a-day schedule! I would also like to thank the lovely ladies at the beginning of the Zohan movie for inspiration to get my fat ass in shape

150: A visit with the Dr.

Today I went with M to see his counselor dude. I’m not a fan of counselors… I’m not a fan of talking about my feelings with people I don’t know… so needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled to be there. But I loved this guy. He was kind, gentle and didn’t make me uncomfortable. Regardless, I didn’t open up right away. M started talking and then I slowly chimed in. The counselor understood what I was feeling…

Last night M called to check on me and when I was feeling bad, and told him, he decided to go play ball instead. “Just a couple games.” And then waltzed in the door 3 hours later. He later told me that he just need a break from it all and that coming home made him anxious. I felt like he didn’t care, took this all lightly and gee, how nice you get a break while I’m feeling like crap at home. M has been saying things to me like, we need to get me happy and “back on track” before we can really “test real world situations” and “try” changing. I keep saying, it doesn’t work that way… the Doc summed it up nicely… THAT WAS a real world test. We are not trying to get back to any certain place… that relationship is over. We’re changing now.

So he suggested that M set a time frame in which I’ll either see progress and change… or I can leave. We settled on August when our lease it up. The doctor fully understood where I was coming from and was able to express it better to M. He also understood what I don’t think M does… I’m at the end of my rope. There is no time left, no patience and extremely little faith. It has to happen NOW.

So here we go. Again…

153 Days of ME.

I’ve spent the last couple weeks in a fog of sadness, uncertainty and insecurity because of the whole M situation. Things have gotten better… but I still feel unsure. I’m still mad and I still cry about everything.

Today, I finally got MAD.

I got mad at M for ever making me feel this way… but then, I got mad at myself for losing track of what’s really important. Me. What I want and my life. Happiness comes from within. No one else should ever determine my worth but me. No one should ever have such an impact on my self esteem and my happiness, but me.

One thing I learned over the last week was that I’ve been poor at setting boundaries. I’m a nice person and I care about everyone else… which also means I tend to put everyone else before myself. That’s my bad. It’s no wonder I got taken for granted… I was too nice. This weekend, for the first time in awhile, I put myself first. I asked myself, “what do I want?” M had signed us up for an autocross event… while I love cars and driving and everything speed, I did not want to set myself up for more financial woes. Autocross burns through tires and even brake pads, plus, suspension could be a concern for my car. Having just purchased brand new tires, I didn’t feel like it was worth it… M was excited. Friday night I let him know that I didn’t want to go. I was a) not in a good enough mood, b) really didn’t want to lose my whole Saturday and c) really didn’t want to have to spend unnecessary money. It was a hard first step for me… because M wanted to go. I did cave at one point and said I would go because I knew he had wanted to go, but thankfully I had made my point and M respected that. The second time was again today… I was feeling bad in general and M’s friend wanted to see if we wanted to go play doubles tennis. While I would have enjoyed tennis any other day, I was just not in the mood and I let him know that. Baby steps.

This leads me to the point of this post… you’ll notice in the title “153 days of ME.” 153 days until my 24th birthday. Starting this very second (well actually an hour ago), I COME FIRST. I read a little bit of a recommended book this evening after M left for the gym. It’s called, Why Men Marry Bitches. The core of the book is great… basically, I need to have my own life, fulfill myself and not center my life around anyone else, etc. I thought I always knew this, but clearly, I have not been the best at practicing it.

I’ve written before about living my life like I’m single… doing MY thing all the time, and fitting M into it. Instead of what I’ve been doing which is trying to live my life, but catering to M’s schedule.

No more.

So how do I do this? I start by breaking my bad habits.

>> I am going to focus on myself and what my body and mind are telling me they want and need at all times. I don’t want to meet M at the gym like we talked about, so instead, I’m following my schedule and going after this post.

>> M and this relationship, are no longer at the core of my thoughts and concerns. Basically, no more fretting over our situation. I’m still with M, which means he’s getting that one last shot, but that doesn’t mean I have to constantly worry about it or think about it. I accept that my bad behavior has been a contributing factor and once I’ve mastered the “ME first” lifestyle, I’ll reassess this relationship. It will go one of two ways… M will respect me as this new person and work harder to keep me or, he won’t change and I’ll have the strength to walk away.

>> I am going to build up the core areas of my life, the ones that don’t involve men and relationships. Friendships, spirituality and family. Health and fitness. Emotional and creative. All of these areas are so very important for me to truly find fulfillment in my life without a significant other. They are important for my wellbeing and my ability to finally be truly happy.

I know I’ve said all this stuff in different ways at different times before… and maybe you won’t understand, but with me… I “put my foot down” on things in my life several times before the foot really comes down. I always think that I know for sure… and then I REALLY know for sure and it’s more clear to me. Right now, everything is crystal clear to me and I’m feeling determined and focused.

Just Below the Surface

You know how sometimes you want to say something… but you just can’t find the words? You know what it is you’re trying to say, the word is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t seem to spit it out?

That’s how I feel… kinda. I feel like there’s so much inside me waiting to spill out. So much inside me to say, create and put out into the world… but I just can’t seem to find the words. I just can’t seem to pick up a paintbrush and I just can’t seem to start. So often I feel like I have a poem to write, or a story… but when I go to do it, I just can’t. It’s in there, I know it is because I can feel it. But it won’t come out. I have so much inside of me, just below the surface, that I can’t get out… I guess I can only hope that one day, it will just start spewing from me. And then I’ll be happy.

All day.

I haven’t seen him and hardly spoke to him. All day… it’s  10pm and I’m back from a mini hang out with A and he’s still not home. First I cried because I’ve been watching Sex and the City (A introduced me so I can see the movie) and the issues with Kerri and Mr Big in Seasons 1 and 2 are so relate-able to what I feel… then I sat on the couch with my kitty. He purred and cooed and nuzzled. I asked myself what’s harder? Trying again or walking away…? And while I couldn’t come up with an answer, I did realize that it would be easier on me if I wasn’t waiting on him to come home. If I was in my own cubby hole without having to think about him. Without knowing that my peaceful state, so hard to reach, will be shattered when he walks in the door… and not sure what to do about anything

Ugh.