Actually, it’s more a change of focus. I’ve decided to let this blog go… but also to start a new one. I’m big on “fresh starts” as you’ll read in my first new post. Sometimes when I feel like I’m going to make a shift in my life, I buy a new journal as well. This time, I think it’s just the blog. Regardless… I’ve been doing some thinking and I realized that I’ve lost myself over the years. I don’t know who I am or what I really want in life. I changed myself during another dark time to be “better” for the ex. I know I did certain things thinking that’s what I “should” be doing. Then I find myself finally free of this old relationship thinking now I can finally just be me… but who is ME?? So while I’m obviously still on the path to better myself and my life… I’m shifting my main focus to finding myself and how to let that shine through… read on…

is all a girl needs.

Hi. I’m not at the call center. Nope. Didn’t quit… kinda rescheduled for next week… but now? I’m going to San Diego this weekend. Leavin’ Friday night, coming home Monday night. Which leaves the call center up in the air… but I don’t know. I’m still kind of a mess. In a bit of a cloud. Lost. I just don’t know much of anything right now… the only thing I do know, is sunshine, a change of scenery and ocean water sounds great. So that’s the news.

Thanks for words and emails of encouragement.

You may or may not have heard me talk about my “two sides” before. Sometimes, I think it makes me sound a little crazy… but nevertheless, it’s me. A good way to sum it up would probably be to say, for everything I think or feel, I feel the exact opposite, at the exact same time with the same intensity. I am too well rounded and I like to think I can see both sides of every situation. For example… I can’t ever seem to just give up. This weekend I had a bit of a meltdown. One that left me sleeping, crying and staring blankly all day yesterday. I reached a breaknig point and broke… yet I didn’t shut down. I can NEVER seem to just shut down, and sometimes that seems like the easier route. For example… when I moved into this apartment I was at another breaking point. I was so stressed, much like now… I was exhausted mentally and physically… I was in so much pain. Yet my body doesn’t shut down. Just looking at me, you would never know what I was going through… because while part of me has given up and wishes with every ounce that I would just shut down, collapse, lose my mind… the other side of me says, you’re fine. Get up. Get on with it.

Which is why I am writing… why I am at work… and why I intend to start call center training. Despite the fact I would much rather disappear.

I thought a lot about just saying goodbye to this blog today. Some of the feelings I’m experiencing in relation to the meltdown include failure. I feel like the only thing I’ve succeeded at is making myself a bigger mess to clean up. I’m a mental mess right now. I feel worthless and incapable. I felt like this blog is just a record of that… As far as M… my mind is an even bigger mess of insecurity and uncertainty. He took such good care of me yesterday and I greatly appreciated it. This morning after the alarm went off I just laid there. The plan was not to go to work. Not to do the call center… honestly I think I was just going to eat cheetos and ice cream between long naps and crying. M offered to stay home with me. But once again, the other side, the smart and logical one chimed in.

You can’t afford to miss work. Training won’t be that bad. Get up and get on with it.

So I guess the moral of the story is, I can’t give up. I’m just not wired that way… and honestly, the thought of giving up on this blog, this year’s goals… may just have motivated me to keep trying.

Lately, I’ve been really down. The relationship, the new job, the no friends. Money, diets and creative block. Obviously the point of this blog and the goals for this year were to overcome that. To get things together and find inner peace and happiness. But I have these days, where honestly all I want to do is sleep so that I don’t have to deal with life. And I know, my life’s not that bad, but I’m so beaten down and tired I just can’t function. And I find that these days are much more often… and I feel like time is just blowing by while I hang out in this bubble of bleh.

I talk to my mom often and she’s been through a lot of depression. She continues to suggest anti-depressants. She told me that many times she’s been extremely depressed for no reason (apparently it runs in the family). She told me, “here I am with this wonderful loving husband, a beautiful new baby and a great home… but all I feel is sadness.” For me, that’s not comparable. I feel like I have a number of specific things that need to change or get fixed. Then she said to me, “well maybe you just need them to be ABLE to make those changes.”

And so on days like yesterday and today… I wonder if maybe she’s right. The days feel more frequent, and with losing more time to another crappy job, I wonder if I will have ANYTHING left at all to make things happen. I have so much inside of me that needs to come out. I have so much I want to do… and I’ve spent so much time unable to do anything. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I have a deeply engrianed resistance to anti-depressents. I feel like I can fix this myself. I’ve always been able to, I’ve always handled my life… but suddenly I feel like I’m not doing such a good job, and I wonder…

Ooooh… the pains of dieting. So I spent most of yesterday on sparkpeople and the internets coming up with an ideal eating plan. And so far today (with the exception of some extra grapes) I have stuck to it! My diet is just under 1300 calories, 130 carbs, 28 grams of fat and 120 grams of protein. Never sure really what I’m doing so if you happen to be an expert and I have this all wrong, please chime in. M thinks my carbs might be a smidge low, but thinks it’s excellent. SO… I’m just about to complete a perfect day 1. The exercise plan is shifting to include at least 500 calories burned by cardio everyday because 500 calories for 7 days = 1 pound automatically burned away!

I went to the grocery store last night and stocked up on good foods to follow this plan precisely for at least a month. Then I’ll worry about cooking and “real” food. M has been instructed not to touch my stockpile of food and agreed to fend for himself most of the week. This is gonna pay off though and I’m AMPED! Now if I could just get the cat to stop attacking me when I try to do Pilates…

In other news, M and I went to our second counseling session last night. It was okay. M though everything was going better, and I pointed out that we had started the slow decent from the GREAT DAY Thursday, back to “normal” which is not where I want to ever be again. M thinks that he had a great day because he had taken the day before off and spent it at the track with “the guys” playing. This is a problem… because how often can you do that you know? So then he said he just might need to stay on top of things… basically repeated what he already said he had to do– and hasn’t been doing. So I was upset. Still upset. Last night I cried and said  that it’s not going to change… what I want is days like Thursday, more often. Can’t happen from my point of view. He says we just have to keep it in check and I said I’m the one who has to keep it in check because he’s clueless to it getting off track. (sigh)

I also decided against heading home for the holiday weekend since next week I start training and I’ll never ever be home. I’m relieved because then I don’t have to stray from my diet  :)  Obsessed? Not at all…

Last night while mirroring I made some goals… In bed by 10:30pm, up and working out by 6:30am. This is so that I can work out to my DVD, jump rope, meditate and journal, all before M wakes up. This also allows more time for breakfast and lunch packing. Today I didn’t wake up early, but I did get my workout in. I also started tracking what I eat on Sparkpeople.com because I’m feeling like I’m not getting enough protein, instead I’m carb heavy. Today, that rang true. Part of my issue is getting good proteins I like to eat… so today as I “mirrored” I thought about my diet. It’s not going too well…

So, I’m planning to focus on that tonight. After the gym I’m hitting up Whole Foods for… food. I have a basic idea of what my meals will be, but need to check out some nutritional info. For example, I’m thinking big breakfast, 300 cals and then upping my daily cals to 1300 vs 1200. So I was thinking egg white scramble, turkey bacon, whole wheat toast with all natural peanut butter on top. But then I wasn’t sure the calories in the peanut butter, so I have to check that out. It’s the awesome stuff that’s fresh squeezed into your container at the store… yum. But then I need to figure out my other meals… one thing that worked for me in the past was eating a slice of toast with a can of chicken (lots o’ protein) with a dab of miracle whip or fat free mayo. I actually like it. There’s also cereal…

Well, you get it. That’s my focus tonight because it’s not working.

Today I also thought about my goal. To be healthy. To be fit… skinny, tone, best shape of my life. I’m tired of feeling like a big overweight lush. Problem is I’ve honestly been pretty lazy with my cardio, the one thing that can really shed the pounds. I’ve been lifting weights for awhile so I know the “shape” is there, it’s just hidden under what M and I like to call, my baby fat. Stepping on the scale this morning (cringe) I think 15lbs is a safe goal, but of course I plan to judge by how I look and feel. Anyways, off track again, I’m gonna step up my workouts starting today. I did the abs, buns n thighs, and sculpting pilates sections this morning, then jump roped for maybe 3 minutes. I’m easing into it as they recommend. Which yes, it makes you killer sore. But, tonight the plan is to go run for 20minutes and lift arms. Well, I’m going to lift arms, and run/cardio for 400calories. That would definitely get me to the 500 a day mark for today.

Anyways… blabbering I know.

So I’ve been working on my side blog a little and have a new etsy store as one of my “money making schemes” to get to Hawaii. Check em’ out… it’s for a good cause  ;)  I also have to get to work on the main etsy store, I have some ideas to turn excess art supplies/materials and “junk” from around the messy apartment into sell-able goodies! So I’ll keep ya’ll posted on that too. Anyways, enough self promotion…

M and I have had a good few days. And in order to keep it that way, and get my time in, I left the apartment at about 3:15pm today… I went to the gym for a quick (read: lazy) run, then I went to wash my little red rocket car. On the way there I stopped in for some more Noodles and Co. Nom nom… which reminds me… the leftovers are in the little red rocket.

(runs off…)

Okay. So, then I got some ice cream which made my arrival at home just after M left to go play ball. Space = good. Yesterday I was feeling very low… depressed about life and all that’s happening. Sad about having to work another crappy job… Upset about a lot of things. As I cried later in the evening, M sat down next to me and said he was sorry he contributed to me losing my sense of self… effecting who I am. Then he held me tight and told me that I’m not alone, he’s here… and he wants to help me pick up the pieces. That was very sweet.

Today though, I checked my bank account to find more money than I expected… so I quickly transferred $250 into savings and updated my “wall chart” where I’m keeping track of total money for Hawaii saved… it made me happy. It motivated me to see more money in my pot! So I’m back to being okay with this job… and I imagine I will stay that way the more money I get to save.

So all in all things are good.

I’ve been reading more of the Aveda Rituals book… I’m to the part that talks about “mirroring” and meditation. Mirroring is basically personal inventory of your life and goals. Figuring out what’s working in your life and what’s not? What needs to be changed for the things that aren’t working?? So… I’m going to go to some mirroring right now. It’s a fresh week and I’m motivated and happy. Good time for it. I’m going to make a point to do this every day, and a big one every week to look over and assess my routine. I’m also going to attempt to mediate every day as it says in the book:

People who mediate tend to be calmer, more rational, more hopeful, more creative, more open and receptive to new ideas and healthier in general.

I’ve also heard you sleep better and need less sleep overall and of course are more focused… so I need this. One last thing is that Sunday is now going to be my “free day” in a lot of ways. Sunday will be the only day that I don’t work. So… Sunday is always a sleep in day. Sunday is always a diet-free day… a do what I want day.

Okay… that’s all. Off to Mirror!

A REALLY good day… the kind of day that makes me remember why I love him and want a future with him. And when we woke up this morning, he kissed my cheek and said, “Let’s make this another good day.”

Yesterday I went to a two hour “workshop” at the call center. What it really was, was a 14-person group interview. First… they told us about the company, which sounds like a great place to make a call center career out of, and the position. We call you… tell you we’re with an insurance company and offer you a free quote. Loads of fun. After that we did introductions. Name. Relevant experience. Why you should hire me. Then we read the script… were left alone for what seemed like forever… then we came up with responses to common “no” customers. They hired 11 of us.

I’m passing on training next week with the hope of going home for the holiday weekend, but then begins my hellish work weeks. The first week of training is 3 - 9pm all week. Then my schedule begins. Bleh.

I’m tired. My hair is falling out. Everything I eat makes my tummy rumble. I pick at my fingers until they bleed. I forget to breath and when I do my chest is tight and my lungs hurt. That my friends, is stress. I’m just tired you know? M and I had a bad/good talk last night. It started out bad… ended well. We are still together. I am trying hard to help him, because that’s what he said he needs. Support, trust, acceptance. I’m trying.

I’m also frustrated. My apartment is a disaster… my car is a mess… I haven’t seen my visa card in a couple weeks, I haven’t drawn much, I haven’t written much, I’m not working out consistantly. This, among other things, leads us back to the start of the paragraph above… STRESSED OUT.

What I really need is a me day. A “well day” as Chelsea calls it… Today I gave myself a well hour. I was tired and stressed and traffic sucked. I ran to the bank… and I was STARVING. So I took myself over to Noodles and Co, ordered my favorite dish and some flat bread… and sat quietly in the cool, empty space… Then I came home, cracked open a soda and read. It helped. Yesterday M and I were reading from Men are from Mars, and it talked about taking care of yourself and being happy, etc. He turned and asked me, “did you do anything for yourself today that made you happy?” I had. I left work early to be in the sunshine and write in my journal… while it didn’t exactly make me happy… it helped ease my mind and stress. I need to give myself time every single day for ME. With the new job, it will likely only be 30mins for 4 days a week, and that’s okay. As long as I DO IT. That may mean finding a park or grassy area between jobs where I can go and sit in the fresh air and do something I want. Whether it’s eat oreos or journal, listen to music or meditate. I HAVE TO.

Okay, so somewhere I think I miscounted, but according to the timer site, it’s 137 days now. It’s 6:30pm and I’ve had what feels like a long day. My stress levels have been pretty high lately and today I felt like I had some decision making to do. Yesterday, I went in and applied at an insurance call center. When I walked in I wanted to immediately turn around and leave. I’m a professional with a degree and I’m good at what I do was all I could think… but then I told myself “HAWAII.” and I stayed. So, after an application and typing test I was then instructed to come back on Wednesday for a script test and to set my hours if they hire me. I think the fact I can type and speak English is enough for me to get the job. While I was sitting there though I did notice that everyone seemed really happy and friendly… odd. I also noted that a man came in with a book, most people were listening to iPods or surfing the web… easy job? Let’s hope.

So should I get the job, this would be my week (yes, I have to work one weekend shift):

Monday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates DVD and jump rope
>> 9:30am - 3:30pm :: Work Design Job
>> 4:00pm - 8:00pm :: Work Call Center
>> 9:00pm :: Run 20mins and lift arms

Tuesday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates DVD and jump rope
>> 9:30am - 3:30pm :: Work Design Job
>> 4:00pm - 9:00pm :: Work Call Center

Wednesday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates DVD and jump rope
>> 9:30am - 3:30pm :: Work Design Job
>> 4:00pm - 8:00pm :: Work Call Center
>> 9:00pm :: Run 20mins and lift chest/back

Thursday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates DVD and jump rope
>> 9:30am - 3:30pm :: Work Design Job
>> 4:00pm - 9:00pm :: Work Call Center

Friday
>> 7:00am :: Pilates DVD and jump rope
>> 9:30am - 3:30pm :: Work Design Job
>> 4:00pm - 8:00pm :: Work Call Center
>> 9:00pm :: Run 20mins and lift legs/shoulders

Saturday
>> 9:00 am - 1:00pm :: Work Call Center

The hope though is that more freelance will come through as well. With the above schedule it seems like I’d be able to sock away about $800 a month. Nifty. Then, today my dad said something to me that at first made me mad, and then made me ponder. I may or may not have mentioned I own a 1975 corvette… my baby. Since she’s not running, again, my dad’s supposed to come get her soon. Today in an email he said the following:

you need to decide if you really want to keep the car? … If it doesn’t fit into your lifestyle now, I can bring it down, get it running and sell it for you or even buy it from you. If you move to Hawaii, I’m not sure you will really be able to enjoy it there. Let me know your long term plans for the car.

First reaction was WTF? My dad is telling me I should think about selling my car!? Has he gone insane? Second thought later on was… what if I sell it to him with the agreement he keeps it for so long and then I can have time to buy it back, BUT move now?? Possible? I think so. BUT, then my dad is technically lending me a large sum of money and paying to store my car meantime… could possibly not fly.

Anyways, long post made longer by rambling… I’m pondering temporarily selling the baby, while continuing to work two jobs to save lots of money to get the heck out of here. I need a fresh start.