Let’s start over…

Actually, it’s more a change of focus. I’ve decided to let this blog go… but also to start a new one. I’m big on “fresh starts” as you’ll read in my first new post. Sometimes when I feel like I’m going to make a shift in my life, I buy a new journal as well. This time, I think it’s just the blog. Regardless… I’ve been doing some thinking and I realized that I’ve lost myself over the years. I don’t know who I am or what I really want in life. I changed myself during another dark time to be “better” for the ex. I know I did certain things thinking that’s what I “should” be doing. Then I find myself finally free of this old relationship thinking now I can finally just be me… but who is ME?? So while I’m obviously still on the path to better myself and my life… I’m shifting my main focus to finding myself and how to let that shine through… read on…

124: Giving up is hard to do…

You may or may not have heard me talk about my “two sides” before. Sometimes, I think it makes me sound a little crazy… but nevertheless, it’s me. A good way to sum it up would probably be to say, for everything I think or feel, I feel the exact opposite, at the exact same time with the same intensity. I am too well rounded and I like to think I can see both sides of every situation. For example… I can’t ever seem to just give up. This weekend I had a bit of a meltdown. One that left me sleeping, crying and staring blankly all day yesterday. I reached a breaknig point and broke… yet I didn’t shut down. I can NEVER seem to just shut down, and sometimes that seems like the easier route. For example… when I moved into this apartment I was at another breaking point. I was so stressed, much like now… I was exhausted mentally and physically… I was in so much pain. Yet my body doesn’t shut down. Just looking at me, you would never know what I was going through… because while part of me has given up and wishes with every ounce that I would just shut down, collapse, lose my mind… the other side of me says, you’re fine. Get up. Get on with it.

Which is why I am writing… why I am at work… and why I intend to start call center training. Despite the fact I would much rather disappear.

I thought a lot about just saying goodbye to this blog today. Some of the feelings I’m experiencing in relation to the meltdown include failure. I feel like the only thing I’ve succeeded at is making myself a bigger mess to clean up. I’m a mental mess right now. I feel worthless and incapable. I felt like this blog is just a record of that… As far as M… my mind is an even bigger mess of insecurity and uncertainty. He took such good care of me yesterday and I greatly appreciated it. This morning after the alarm went off I just laid there. The plan was not to go to work. Not to do the call center… honestly I think I was just going to eat cheetos and ice cream between long naps and crying. M offered to stay home with me. But once again, the other side, the smart and logical one chimed in.

You can’t afford to miss work. Training won’t be that bad. Get up and get on with it.

So I guess the moral of the story is, I can’t give up. I’m just not wired that way… and honestly, the thought of giving up on this blog, this year’s goals… may just have motivated me to keep trying.

132: Mirror, Mirror…

Last night while mirroring I made some goals… In bed by 10:30pm, up and working out by 6:30am. This is so that I can work out to my DVD, jump rope, meditate and journal, all before M wakes up. This also allows more time for breakfast and lunch packing. Today I didn’t wake up early, but I did get my workout in. I also started tracking what I eat on Sparkpeople.com because I’m feeling like I’m not getting enough protein, instead I’m carb heavy. Today, that rang true. Part of my issue is getting good proteins I like to eat… so today as I “mirrored” I thought about my diet. It’s not going too well…

So, I’m planning to focus on that tonight. After the gym I’m hitting up Whole Foods for… food. I have a basic idea of what my meals will be, but need to check out some nutritional info. For example, I’m thinking big breakfast, 300 cals and then upping my daily cals to 1300 vs 1200. So I was thinking egg white scramble, turkey bacon, whole wheat toast with all natural peanut butter on top. But then I wasn’t sure the calories in the peanut butter, so I have to check that out. It’s the awesome stuff that’s fresh squeezed into your container at the store… yum. But then I need to figure out my other meals… one thing that worked for me in the past was eating a slice of toast with a can of chicken (lots o’ protein) with a dab of miracle whip or fat free mayo. I actually like it. There’s also cereal…

Well, you get it. That’s my focus tonight because it’s not working.

Today I also thought about my goal. To be healthy. To be fit… skinny, tone, best shape of my life. I’m tired of feeling like a big overweight lush. Problem is I’ve honestly been pretty lazy with my cardio, the one thing that can really shed the pounds. I’ve been lifting weights for awhile so I know the “shape” is there, it’s just hidden under what M and I like to call, my baby fat. Stepping on the scale this morning (cringe) I think 15lbs is a safe goal, but of course I plan to judge by how I look and feel. Anyways, off track again, I’m gonna step up my workouts starting today. I did the abs, buns n thighs, and sculpting pilates sections this morning, then jump roped for maybe 3 minutes. I’m easing into it as they recommend. Which yes, it makes you killer sore. But, tonight the plan is to go run for 20minutes and lift arms. Well, I’m going to lift arms, and run/cardio for 400calories. That would definitely get me to the 500 a day mark for today.

Anyways… blabbering I know.

134: We had a good day…

A REALLY good day… the kind of day that makes me remember why I love him and want a future with him. And when we woke up this morning, he kissed my cheek and said, “Let’s make this another good day.”

141: No where to go.

I have no space. No where to go and just do what I want, in my space. This is important to me. EXTREMELY important to me. I go to work and the space has me sitting with my back to everyone else. And there’s BUGS. Spiders and centipedes and stuff… which, I DON’T DO bugs in inside spaces. My apartment is shared with M and since it’s kind of tense, it’s not a real great place to be… that and it’s crammed full of CRAP. So there’s no space. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I NEED my space.

I have my car… which I usually do find myself driving somewhere and parking when I really need to have some quiet time. But it’s not enough.

This is the first time I really haven’t had my own space. When I lived at home, my room was obviously my space. When I moved out with the ex… he claimed the couch and TV and the kitchen nook become my space. Then we upgraded apt after apt, all with an extra room that became my “office” art room. I happily shared with the cat. Then my house… my big beautiful house… with it’s three bedrooms and two levels. The ex was again, down by the TV, while I claimed the sunlit second bedroom upstairs. My haven. And then I moved to my apt alone… two bedrooms, ALL mine… and then back to the house with M, second bedroom reunited. THEN…. the move to this shit hole.

One issue is that we have too much stuff. One issue is that M is an internet addict and is always on my machine since his can’t hook up. Another is that he too is a creative and has a desk and bins of art crap… and we have TOO tiny of a space. UGH..

Yesterday I was really motivated. I decided on a list of possible ways to make more money. I was gonna do our website real nice… make some business cards, clean. I was gonna get shit done. But apparently my motivation doesn’t like messes because it waited outside when I got home. I did nothing but mope in my messy place. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t clean it. And again today, I’m crazy motivated but I know when I get home that will end. What to do?

Well, I’ve decided that I’m getting my ass to Hawaii. My mom has been telling me that she is willing to ship me out there if M and I break up and my life is still a giant mess… she wants to take care of me and has convinced me that a total change of scenery would help. And I really think it would. Denver is a dead town to me at this point. I want no future here. So that’s what’s motivating me… $$ to get to HAWAII. I don’t want my mom to have to ship me… even if she did, I’d need a chunk of savings. So I’m all over this. SCREW YOU DENVER!

Just Below the Surface

You know how sometimes you want to say something… but you just can’t find the words? You know what it is you’re trying to say, the word is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t seem to spit it out?

That’s how I feel… kinda. I feel like there’s so much inside me waiting to spill out. So much inside me to say, create and put out into the world… but I just can’t seem to find the words. I just can’t seem to pick up a paintbrush and I just can’t seem to start. So often I feel like I have a poem to write, or a story… but when I go to do it, I just can’t. It’s in there, I know it is because I can feel it. But it won’t come out. I have so much inside of me, just below the surface, that I can’t get out… I guess I can only hope that one day, it will just start spewing from me. And then I’ll be happy.

159

Another Monday… another “fresh start” and another new week with which to start “doing better” at life. It’s 159 days until my birthday and yet again… another “upset” has thrown me off course.

I’m still living with M as of now…we’ve had some ups and we’ve had a lot of downs since that first post. Friday I told M I had made the decision not to move out just yet. I told him for reasons unknown to even me, I felt that I had to give this one more attempt and agreed being physically here would help. M was relieved and happy. He hugged me tight and told me, “that’s great news baby.” He made the mistake several times over the weekend of assuming if I smiled, I was “better” when really I felt like throwing up. I felt uncertain and I felt doubtful. We had some great talks, yet after each one I still felt empty and sad. I tried to explain to him that even though it sounds like we’ve worked through so much in our conversations, I feel like it doesn’t leave the talk, it doesn’t carry over… if that makes sense.

M and I have read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus once before… it didn’t stick. But M picked it up again this weekend and decided that we should read it again, together… then talk about it. He’s done a great job of just listening to what I’m feeling and not trying to explain or argue. He’s trying to really hear my pain and issues, and while I think that’s great, I still don’t trust him yet. I don’t believe him yet that things will change and that he really wants to be with me the way I want to be with him.

So it’s rocky… definitely. Tonight I was supposed to go to a softball game with my friend A… but I’m just run down and not up for it. I feel bad, I really like her and she could be my roommate if this doesn’t work out with M and I’d love to really get to know her better… but she understands. Last night I came home and M wasn’t in “fix it” mode and didn’t act as caring that I was again (surprise) upset. It’s so easy to throw us off kilter right now and I’m feeling pretty low… he called to say if I want him to come home, he will happily come right home instead of going to watch the game. But I’m feeling a need for a me night. I need to reset. I’m so tired of losing focus on my goal of this year…

So… let’s start off by taking a look at where I am:

Physical
Not so good… I still can’t seem to get a darn routine going and when upsets happen I tend to revert to Oreos and TV time in jammies. I also pick the crap out of my fingernails so they aren’t too purty right now either.

Emotional
Definitely better… but not “there yet” either. I haven’t been journaling lately and I know that I need to. I haven’t done much of anything I need to for this either.

Spiritual
One thing I’ve learned about myself (at a young age) is that my mind is not like the rest of the world’s. I don’t know if this is good or bad… you see, I just don’t think “normally” and I don’t accept the commonly accepted standards for human behavior. I have high expectations… I also think very much like a Buddhist who doesn’t know what she’s doing, and I’d REALLY like to learn more about it. It’s moved higher up on my list this last couple weeks with the whole M situation. Meditation would also greatly improve my emotional health.

Social
I’ve been spending more time with A and I’ve really begun to enjoy her company. We’ve been talking on the phone almost every day. She’s a sweetheart and I’d like to really start nurturing my friendships that mean something to me…

Family
Right now that’s in a good place. My dad and I are getting along great, sisters and I are talking more and my mom is always here for me. I couldn’t be happier.

Career
While my job is boring as hell, I love it. I can come and leave when I want, I have total creative freedom and there’s free soda in the fridge! I’m getting my magazine going and freelance is slow but somewhat steady.

Relationship
Um… we’ll just have to see how this pans out.

Creative
I’m definitely more creative even though I’m not really that productive. This is something I want to focus on.

Financial
Not great, but I’ve somehow managed to stay afloat. I’m not spending frivolously but I’m also not saving

Definitely off track… but tonights my night to ponder all that I’ve forgotten and get myself going once again.

170: I’m Starting a MAGAZINE!!

I’ve been eating cookies for breakfast. Yes. Just what I said. Yesterday Oreos, today… those big yummy ones from Safeway. And cheesy chips. It’s terrible, I know. But I’ve run 3 mornings in a row! And so I’m not feeling that bad… but I know it’s not good.

Anywho… I’m starting my magazine! For some reason yesterday I was all over it. I was doing research, trying to pick names and emailing people for information. I think I’ve found the name… but I’m not 100%. After this weekend it will be named and I can start moving forward. I can register the business, buy the domains and start the business plan. I’ll need to do a LOT of things…

But it’s exciting! And hopefully it will consume me for a little while so I can get it going… so if I’m MIA, you know where I am.

Other than that… my pops is in town and I’m going to a baseball game tonight!!! I love baseball… the atmosphere, the casual, laziness, the eating and talking. LOVE IT.

Enjoy the holiday weekend!

172

As far as eating goes… today has been a better day. I have been binging a lot lately when I get home. Today, I had a little piece of M’s donut and some chips. Which is honestly pretty good considering the other days this week. I also rolled my butt out of bed early enough to go running, which made me feel a lot better today. I plan to go again tonight, possibly to yoga too.

Last night I did some drawing. You can see it on my side blog. I also started another piece which I plan on titling, “Ode to The Ex” or something like that, and you’ll see it shortly. This is something I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. I think and think about how it will look. Then I think and think about how it’s stupid or people will think it’s stupid. So yesterday I got my ass up and started it. And I’m pretty excited to finish it. Don’t know what I’ll do with it when I’m done, but that’s not important. What’s important is that I’m “off” and creating things for me.

I think sitting down and doing anything creative (like my first drawing) puts me in the mode to do more. So I really should doodle or something everyday and see where it leads… but again, I’m “off” and it’s open.

That’s about all I really have to say today. Work’s been good… actually sort of busy. My dad will be in town this weekend for a cousin’s graduation and I’m excited to see him again.

xoxo

Final Showdown

This morning I saw the ex for the first time in a year and a half… and hopefully the last time in my life. It’s sad, to spend a quarter of my life with someone and not be able to civilly end the relationship and remain friends.

The arbitration was very smooth, very informal, and went very well. I was very nervous when we left my lawyers office to head over… I wasn’t positive why. I already knew that I had moved far past the emotional side of the breakup, I was no longer angry at him for what he did. It was more… I tend to get very soft spoken and shy in uncomfortable situations nervousness. I did wonderfully. Upon stepping into the office where the arbitration would take place… I was calm and collected. Not a drop of nervousness. I was relieved, it was finally here. One thing I’ve managed to overcome over this time is the shyness. I spoke loud and clear. I didn’t say any “I think” or “probably.” When being questioned I had no issues… there was no reason for issues because I had nothing to hide. No lies. The ex however, wavered in his statements, contradicted himself and answered questions with defensive questions. We’ll hear the judgment next week sometime.

I can finally finally FINALLY forget this. I don’t hate him… I feel bad for his hurting, I never wanted to hurt him but at the same time I could never be friends or be in contact with someone who would screw me over like that… and now I don’t. Either way… win or lose, it’s DONE!!!

So let’s move on.

Tomorrow I’m back on track. Today I’ll hit the gym… but I feel like I need a good day off of life to recoup from the stresses. I feel great. Just fat But we’ll get back on that tomorrow…

Last night M and I had a good talk. I have an odd way of looking at the world. I wouldn’t say it’s bad, but it’s not typical. M was (and has many times) talking about some reasons he broke up with his exes… sometimes he’ll say things like “she had migraines and I was like, do I really want to be with a sick person who can’t enjoy weekends?” I don’t think that way, AT ALL. M is a man. M is typical in his thinking and comparing to other people. I don’t do it at all. I do not look at someone and say hmmm… he’s going to be bald in 10, 15 years… do I want to be with a bald person? So to hear M say things, even though he’s saying them lightly or jokingly… even though “at the core the relationship wouldn’t have worked” I start to wonder if I can be comfortable in the relationship. Someday my ass will sag and my hair will be white. Someday I could be in a wheelchair… and is he going to be sitting there thinking shit… now I’m stuck with saggy ass mcgee in her wheelchair when that hot chick at the bar was hitting on me. What did I pass up!?

M assured my crazy little mind that with me, it’s different. That with me, it’s right. He’s supposed to be with me. He will always love me no matter what… he’s never told someone he loved them unless saying it back. He wants to spend forever with me and he’s never felt that before. He promised to continue to assure me of his love… and my little mind and heart melted.

While sometimes I think about this “project” I’m doing… this changing by 24, and I worry that I’ve spent 6 months and gotten no where. Granted, I haven’t made huge strides in a lot of areas… but I am realizing my accomplishments. M and I are doing so much better. I have some good friends coming into my life recently and things are back on track with my dad and I. Money is steady and to a point I think I can start saving and planning and such. I have a great job for my life needs… I’m creating again! I made (sewed any everything) two notebooks for my sister’s birthday! I’ll be updating the side blog again.

Yay!