I’m still alive…

After a package of oreos, orange soda, pizza and a bag of baked lays, I am finally taking a little better care of myself today. I haven’t been to the grocery store, so I really don’t have good food. Instead of swinging into McD’s or somewhere unhealthy to eat what’s probably not real food, I stopped and got myself a Jamba Juice… ate a slim fast bar and ordered a salad for lunch. And water… yes, lots of water.

Things are kinda… up in the air. I know everyone thinks I should just leave, and I think that too, but at the very least I’m giving him a chance to share his side and his feelings. Without going too deep into detail… we’ve had a lot of talks about us, our issues, my needs and his failure to provide the love I need and deserve. Right now I’d say I’m 95% sure I’m moving out… whether we “stay together” or break up, we need time apart. He needs time to sort through his priorities and get his life together to decide whether or not he really wants to be with me. He tells me he does… he tells me he KNOWS with every “fiber in his being” that we are meant to be together and that he can change. He says neither one of us will ever find the happiness we can have if we stay together. I say… might be too late to be realizing that my dear.

He took it upon himself to speak with a “professional” about his commitment issues. Said professional thinks it would be “counter productive” for us to separate. Says that M needs to work on a “routine” which “involves” focusing on me. I think it should just be natural… if you really love someone.

Anyways… again, not too much detail right. I’m at a point where I’m deciding what to do with myself. My friend A says it may be possible to move in with her. Her roommate is the owner of the home she lives in and wants to move in with a boyfriend. It’s right down the street… that, or I find a cheap place closer to work. M would like me to wait to talk to his professional before making a decision… so I’m kinda in an odd spot.

Bleh to stress. Gah to boys.

And thanks for all the advice and comments…

Not the way the weekend was supposed to go…

M is not here right now. He left… at my request for serious space. I did a bad thing. I snooped… I read an email in which M told an old friend from LA how hot she looked in her modeling pics. How he should have tried something with her when he had the chance… then he said he was happily divorced, that HE was in Denver and HE was moving to Hawaii… no ME. Anywhere. I am not this type of person. I do not snoop. I am not insecure. I don’t talk much about our issues here. Basically, M makes me feel unimportant and not special a lot of the time. He’s ignored me when I meet friends for the first time… he kept me a secret for awhile after his divorce was final… many little things that add up to me not feeling important and special. Not meaning shit.

I told him right away that I did what I did. I told him that we have to break up, because I do not want to be this person, that I do not want to feel this insecure. He wasn’t mad at all. He told me it’s his fault for making me feel this way… I am still wrong though, I know that. But getting past that… he made me look like I feel. Unimportant. He disrespected me. Behind my back.

He told me it was a joke, harmless flirting. I don’t care, it hurt me and it hurt us. I don’t trust him and I never ever in my life want to meet anyone he knows every again. After talks… he told me that maybe he just “hasn’t fully committed” to me. He was looking for attention. I told him that when I get hit on, almost immediately I say I have a boyfriend. And I’m so happy to be with him that they aren’t even on my radar… he told me that he brings me up when he gets hit on, but not until it reaches “the line.”

I’m not okay with that.

My mind is a mess right now… who else does he say things like that to? I only come up with it’s gone to far?

I am so hurt right now… alone in our apartment. Happy for the space. Sad and mad and HURT. I deleted him from my myspace and made him take down photos he had of me on there. If he’s gonna say shit like that to people, I want no association… and it looks like he might get to change his status to single.

I hope your weekends are much better…

170: I’m Starting a MAGAZINE!!

I’ve been eating cookies for breakfast. Yes. Just what I said. Yesterday Oreos, today… those big yummy ones from Safeway. And cheesy chips. It’s terrible, I know. But I’ve run 3 mornings in a row! And so I’m not feeling that bad… but I know it’s not good.

Anywho… I’m starting my magazine! For some reason yesterday I was all over it. I was doing research, trying to pick names and emailing people for information. I think I’ve found the name… but I’m not 100%. After this weekend it will be named and I can start moving forward. I can register the business, buy the domains and start the business plan. I’ll need to do a LOT of things…

But it’s exciting! And hopefully it will consume me for a little while so I can get it going… so if I’m MIA, you know where I am.

Other than that… my pops is in town and I’m going to a baseball game tonight!!! I love baseball… the atmosphere, the casual, laziness, the eating and talking. LOVE IT.

Enjoy the holiday weekend!

172

As far as eating goes… today has been a better day. I have been binging a lot lately when I get home. Today, I had a little piece of M’s donut and some chips. Which is honestly pretty good considering the other days this week. I also rolled my butt out of bed early enough to go running, which made me feel a lot better today. I plan to go again tonight, possibly to yoga too.

Last night I did some drawing. You can see it on my side blog. I also started another piece which I plan on titling, “Ode to The Ex” or something like that, and you’ll see it shortly. This is something I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. I think and think about how it will look. Then I think and think about how it’s stupid or people will think it’s stupid. So yesterday I got my ass up and started it. And I’m pretty excited to finish it. Don’t know what I’ll do with it when I’m done, but that’s not important. What’s important is that I’m “off” and creating things for me.

I think sitting down and doing anything creative (like my first drawing) puts me in the mode to do more. So I really should doodle or something everyday and see where it leads… but again, I’m “off” and it’s open.

That’s about all I really have to say today. Work’s been good… actually sort of busy. My dad will be in town this weekend for a cousin’s graduation and I’m excited to see him again.

xoxo

174

That’s how many days until my birthday. That’s how many days until this “project” of mine is over. I’m in a good place today… last night after my post I started writing another one. The post was very “woe is me” and full of frustration. Instead of posting it, I decided to work through it in my journal. I wrote for a little bit and then went on with my evening in a state of contemplation over all my issues.

I starting thinking about Buddhism… how we cause our own suffering by living in the past and worrying about the future, rather than living in and enjoying the now. Dwelling on the things we can’t change. That is exactly what I’m doing, and I am miserable. So it’s time to put an end to that… and it’s been surprisingly easy thus far. This morning I woke up later than I wanted… but instead of griping about not working out, I just went with it, after all, I was well rested. Today at work has been good too… I was able to do some design without struggle, and I haven’t been upset to be here. I’m focusing on what I’m doing now, what things I need to do today, and not where I’d rather be.

I’ve also decided to take all this self imposed pressure off of myself. I had a writing teacher tell us once that when she was younger she took a year “off” as I would call it.. A year to just write without worrying about whether or not it would ever be published. From that year she wrote her first novel, which now, is in it’s 13th or so round of revisions and possibly going to be published. But the point is, she took time “off.” And I’m going to do just that… I don’t know how long honestly. I suppose for starters I’ll do the remaining time of my “project,” the 174 days. A little under 6 months. I’m going to take this time and just do. No thinking about gallery shows or publishing. Just writing and creating to my heart’s content. Using it as a release and a form of therapy to further better myself and solve my issues.

It’s kind of like when writers and musicians take that year or so off to recoup, write new material and record/publish! That’s the idea anyways… I’m taking some major ME time in the creative sense without pressure… now if I could just get going…

(grumble grumble)

Hi. This will not be a whiney post… I’m just kinda drained from a day of web design. It’s not “what I do” so when I do it, I usually have to learn something new… which also rarely works. Ah web design… how you drive me insane.

Last night I had a good night. M and I went to meet my friend A and her date at Bandimere Speedway… it was AWESOME! I got to watch a bunch of quarter-mile races and we saw Jet cars! M and I then went to see Speed Racer, which was also great. We liked it anyways. Apparently it’s “bombing” right now… I think everyone should stop reading reviews from old stuffy guys and just go see it!

Today, I did not eat well. M and I grocery shopped and bought some junk… and yeah, I ate a bunch of it. But I’m on my way to the gym after this to de-crankiness my self and to burn some off.

I knew going into this weekend that I wouldn’t have a lot of time, yet I’m still bummed that I haven’t done much at all. I have no updates to the side blog… I was really hoping to be back on that. I haven’t gotten a chance to cook any food or to plan out my week. All I know is I’m waking up early tomorrow for a run and lift and that I do have some decent food at the apartment for meals.

One thing I’ve really wanted to conquer lately is my magazine idea. I have a great idea for a woman’s magazine and I’ve really wanted to get going on it. I figure since M and I will be stuck here a bit longer, might as well take advantage of being on the mainland and having better resources. I just need to name the darn thing. I came up with a great one… but some college already has it for their football team’s magazine. Odd, I know. I thought, well maybe I can just use it anyways, but I’m sure it won’t work out.

Anyways… just a quick little post to help clear my web-crazed head. Hope you all had a great weekend!

Happy Friday!

Last night I got myself in bed by about 10:15. I’ve been pretty exhausted all week… I went and did a short run last night and then was so wiped out I just crashed. It was worth it because I was able to wake up this morning and run again! Running in the morning is a lot harder than running at night… I’m tired, my body’s groggy and mentally I’m not into it. So I’ve decided to run twice a day as my “two-a-day” plan. I read in Women’s Health that running at a consistent speed and resistance is key to optimizing fat burn. While other places all agree that running while constantly changing the intensity levels is key to weight loss… SO… morning 20 minute run at a consistent speed for fat burn…. evening intensity run 20 minutes!

I’ve also decided to create a “eating wall chart” as I’m calling it. Basically a big sheet of paper… Sun - Mon week with 6 slots per day. Then I’m going to come up with a bunch of good breakfast meals, snacks, lunches and dinners. Write those on post-its and then plan out my week. This is key to dieting because I get sick of eating the same thing over and over. I also get sick of eating diet foods and I end up binging and over eating because I feel like I want REAL food. Or WARM COOKED food… so I think this is good. Plan my weeks out on Sats maybe and grocery shop on Suns.

Last night M and I got some Chinese food and my little cookie fortune read:

You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on.

It got me thinking about what’s been wrong with me lately. I’m so happy that my creative juices are flowing again… while they’re not rushing through me like they used to, they’re at least back. But I am struggling with DOING. I get a great idea or decide I want to do something and I begin to second guess myself. “Who would like that? Do you really think that’s a good idea? It’s sure going to be a lot of work for someone with no time? You can’t do it.” I am constantly cutting myself down. You can’t be successful in creative ideas and ventures without the ability to take the risks involved.

So it’s something I need to work on.

I’ve also been struggling with feeling like I’m a failure. All self-imposed… I’ve always been ahead of the game. I was the only STUDENT working full time and kicking ass at a design firm. I was the first to graduate, top of my class… I graduated high school early… I did all these grown up things like buy my own home and my own brand new car. I was starting my own business. And now? I’ve been on hold since the breakup with the ex. My life turned upside down. Suddenly, buying a house was a pretty stupid thing… I started hopping jobs in hopes of finding a “good one”… but only finding my creative abilities diminishing. And now, having ideas again… I can’t DO them.

It’s a nasty cycle… first I realize, I’m not doing anything worthwhile with my life right now. Then I start to work on a project that I’d LOVE to get going, only to get cut down by the second guessing.

Uuuugh. This is all therapy work I believe?

The side blog lives!

I’ve put up a coulple things over on the side blog now… go check it out!
And be assured it’s back on for daily creations.

Final Showdown

This morning I saw the ex for the first time in a year and a half… and hopefully the last time in my life. It’s sad, to spend a quarter of my life with someone and not be able to civilly end the relationship and remain friends.

The arbitration was very smooth, very informal, and went very well. I was very nervous when we left my lawyers office to head over… I wasn’t positive why. I already knew that I had moved far past the emotional side of the breakup, I was no longer angry at him for what he did. It was more… I tend to get very soft spoken and shy in uncomfortable situations nervousness. I did wonderfully. Upon stepping into the office where the arbitration would take place… I was calm and collected. Not a drop of nervousness. I was relieved, it was finally here. One thing I’ve managed to overcome over this time is the shyness. I spoke loud and clear. I didn’t say any “I think” or “probably.” When being questioned I had no issues… there was no reason for issues because I had nothing to hide. No lies. The ex however, wavered in his statements, contradicted himself and answered questions with defensive questions. We’ll hear the judgment next week sometime.

I can finally finally FINALLY forget this. I don’t hate him… I feel bad for his hurting, I never wanted to hurt him but at the same time I could never be friends or be in contact with someone who would screw me over like that… and now I don’t. Either way… win or lose, it’s DONE!!!

So let’s move on.

Tomorrow I’m back on track. Today I’ll hit the gym… but I feel like I need a good day off of life to recoup from the stresses. I feel great. Just fat But we’ll get back on that tomorrow…

Last night M and I had a good talk. I have an odd way of looking at the world. I wouldn’t say it’s bad, but it’s not typical. M was (and has many times) talking about some reasons he broke up with his exes… sometimes he’ll say things like “she had migraines and I was like, do I really want to be with a sick person who can’t enjoy weekends?” I don’t think that way, AT ALL. M is a man. M is typical in his thinking and comparing to other people. I don’t do it at all. I do not look at someone and say hmmm… he’s going to be bald in 10, 15 years… do I want to be with a bald person? So to hear M say things, even though he’s saying them lightly or jokingly… even though “at the core the relationship wouldn’t have worked” I start to wonder if I can be comfortable in the relationship. Someday my ass will sag and my hair will be white. Someday I could be in a wheelchair… and is he going to be sitting there thinking shit… now I’m stuck with saggy ass mcgee in her wheelchair when that hot chick at the bar was hitting on me. What did I pass up!?

M assured my crazy little mind that with me, it’s different. That with me, it’s right. He’s supposed to be with me. He will always love me no matter what… he’s never told someone he loved them unless saying it back. He wants to spend forever with me and he’s never felt that before. He promised to continue to assure me of his love… and my little mind and heart melted.

While sometimes I think about this “project” I’m doing… this changing by 24, and I worry that I’ve spent 6 months and gotten no where. Granted, I haven’t made huge strides in a lot of areas… but I am realizing my accomplishments. M and I are doing so much better. I have some good friends coming into my life recently and things are back on track with my dad and I. Money is steady and to a point I think I can start saving and planning and such. I have a great job for my life needs… I’m creating again! I made (sewed any everything) two notebooks for my sister’s birthday! I’ll be updating the side blog again.

Yay!

Thursday is the day.

Thursday is the day I get to start a new chapter of my life. Thursday is the day that the ex and the lawsuit are things of the past. Thursday is the day where I can wake up and not feel the stress of having to find a deposit on a closed account’s bank statement… the day that I can wake up and not have to find an emergency email from the lawyers in my inbox… the day that “oops my BIG bad” is just a memory. No more meetings, no more nasty emails, no more arguing. Done, one way or another, whether I win or not.

Wednesday however, is the day I face the ex for the last time. I’m over it… I never in my entire life want to see him again. If I win, all I want to do is cash his checks. If I lose… I get what I want 100%, never ever in contact with this good for nothing BOY again.

No… I’m not bitter. What I want is for this to be over. And finally, yes, the light at the end of the tunnel is shining bright into my eyes.

M and I just got back from a short trip to NM to surprise my dad for his birthday… it was a lot of fun. I had wanted to come back and start eating fresh, organic, healthy diet foods… get in shape… all that stuff I’ve wanted to do, but tracking down two deposits and freelance will consume any free time until after Wednesday. Which brings us back to Thursday being the start of a new chapter of my life…

I am roughly at 6 months into my 23rd year. I still very much hope to achieve all my goals and better my life and self by my next birthday. Now that the huge piece of drama in my life will finally be gone… I have a steady job… M and I are doing better… I feel like I can finally get back on track.

So here’s the plan…

I am going to shift my eating to all fresh foods. Basically, I’d like to cut out frozen dinners, meal bars and anything processed or preserved. I’d like to cook more healthy meals and eat more fresh produce and meats. I saw an article in Woman’s Health that listed 10 foods which make 40 healthy recipes… gonna try it out. I’m going to check out the book “You, an owner’s manual” to understand what vitamins and stuff I need and start taking them daily. Cut out soda and most sweets… and chug water like there’s no tomorrow.

As for working out… and working, I’m going to take another look at my overall budget and bills. What do I need to stay afloat and make ends meet? What does that translate into hours at work? Then I’ll decide on the best work schedule for me… it will likely be leaving at 7am… working til 2:30pm. Then, I’ll work up a workout routing that tackles the main concerns of weight loss and jiggles… and work it around my work schedule… ie, run at 6am… go to work… lift at 9pm… go to bed, etc.

Then I would say the third most important thing to tackle is my emotional self… I’m still a bit of a mess. I need to create more and get back on track with my side blog… I need to be writing and journaling… all that stuff.

I also want to get moving on some ideas. Business and “hobbies” because I’m gonna be stuck in Denver a bit longer than wanted… so I may as well use my mainland time to my advantage and get things rolling.

So that’s the scoop… I’ve been a little MIA and off topic lately. But come Thursday, things will be back on track and I will make things happen!