Feeling Worthless…
30 04 2008but about to go out for some excellent Mexican food! Which is my reward for eating good all day and not binging on popcorn and ice cream when I got home from work. Yay.
So back to the worthlessness… I just got up off the couch to blog. I spent a good hour there. Just feeling bleh. I wrote the post the other day about needing to finish something… anything. How I feel like I need to do that now… it needs to be a priority. Just choose something and get it done. I feel like I need to know I can finish things or else I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels… going nowhere… wasting space. Well over at Original Impulse… a new e-book came out on that very subject! So, yes, I bought it, even though my funds are limited because I need to do this. I need to finish SOMETHING.
So I’m reading down through it… partly thinking $10 for this 35 page doc? and partly thinking how much I hope something in this thing works. She talks about the importance of finishing… which I agree. Then I get to the part about choosing something to work on. Choosing the first project to complete. I just can’t seem to do that. I can list out all my projects… filter through to the ones I want to do now…. the ones that can wait… but there are so many I want to do RIGHT NOW. The frustration cycle continues… I’ll just pick one. But then I think about what I have to do and I think do I really want to that first? Maybe I’d rather do this first… no. Maybe that. I can’t decide… I am missing the plugin that allows me to choose one.
So I retired, defeated, to the couch to ponder the point of my existence.
Then I started thinking about all the uncertainties and frustrations. The expectations and the pressure. Then I thought…. I should make a book. I should make a book full of all these things. A page for each expectation. For each feeling of worthlessness and for each label of who I am and ought to be. Take each one and really look at it and decide whether or not it’s who I am. Determine who gave it to me or where I picked it up for myself. Make my little book and then l lock the sucker away. Kill two birds with one stone. Why not? I can’t seem to do anything else…
I think I know where you’re at. So many projects, so little time, and endless chatter in your brain. I’m also struggling with that and trying to focus. One awful thing is all the pressure I put on myself. I am a writer, but was kind of blocked for a while. Recently I let go and decided I would just relax and not do/write anything. Well, shortly thereafter I had one idea after the other and couldn’t stop writing!
I don’t have the answers either, just ideas.
A couple of days later I got a great piece of advice: STOP! Calm down! Listen to some calm music. I’m generally too restless to even think of doing that, but since this person also used to be restless (and likes the same loud music I do), I figured she might be right. To focus on one thing, we need to be centered, grounded, and not have everything in our heads at the same time. Does this make any sense?
E-hugs