I need to finish. NOW.

Today, it clicked. I need to finish something. Whether it’s a notebook for my sister… a piece of art… a short story all put together in a little booklet. I HAVE to finish something. I still feel strongly that I need and want to really lose myself in my projects. I want to learn everything about everything so that I can put together the best, most brilliant piece or project–for myself. I have a lot of big ideas. Big projects… big art collections and many, many personal projects. Too many. But this also equals hours and days and years of creativity and self expression. That’s all fine and dandy… but until I finish something, I will constantly be stuck in this frustrating cycle. The cycle where I tell myself one day I need to do this… I need to work on one thing. Then I start to think about that one thing… how long it will take, how I may just be wasting time when I should be finishing something else… then I think, duh, I need to do this, not that. Cycle continues… and perhaps this is the same thing, but let me break it down for you…

I’ve had a lot of ideas and brilliant plans and creative genius. I’ve also never. finished. anything.

Honestly, what have I finished in all my years of great thinking… there was the chicken wire sculpture idea… not done. Never even finished the frame. There was the poetry book, uh, still in planning. There was the series of paintings I was going to do in high school… the books I was going to write. The this and that and the other thing. All. Not. Done. Yes, I accomplish some things but not to the degree I really feel they are complete. I made my mom a photo album for Christmas… but I didn’t lay the whole thing out as beautifully as I originally intended. I did draw her a picture once for her birthday… I suppose that can count as done. Sure, I’ve finished many design projects for work and my own business… but those as well are not to the level I really feel proud of.

I need to finish something and I need to do it now. The poetry book will obviously not be this. It can’t be because it requires and deserves much more attention and time. It deserves years of focus. Something small perhaps? But what…

I need that thing that’s done that makes me go, that’s perfect. It’s beautiful… it’s exactly what I wanted it to be. I need that to excite me to push myself further. To take on a bigger project… to be proud and know that I can finish these things… that their time will come. They will come to fruitation someday, even someday soon… because look, look at what I’ve already done. I can finish and I will finish.

I struggle so hard with what that could be… I need to tell myself, it doesn’t matter if it’s award winning, publishable or everyone will love it. Where the hell did this come from anyways? Who gives a shit? You didn’t used to? What happened? You never finish a damn thing so why not get on something cool that’s sparking your interest and just flippin’ do it already.