Okay… one more thing.

I’m going back on the blogs and creative sites fast. I still think it’s important and will help me get better at expressing myself 100% without feeling like I should be doing something else. It’s an odd place to be really… I was just writing in my journal about all this. I have some “friends” on myspace that I went to school with but never really got to know… there’s one guy who’s always posting his artwork and gallery opening announcements. I was always kinda of proud in a way… my fellow classmates growing up and growing their artistic careers. Then another guy posted a bulletin about his clothing line being picked up by a clothing website… awesome. Then another girl posted looking for someone else who wanted to be in a gallery opening she is going to be in because another artist dropped out… uh, yes, good for her… but what the hell am I doing?

I felt like a failure. I’ve always had such big elaborate plans for my life. By 24 I was going to have two degrees… I would be opening my design studio (or already running it), I would have poetry published…. starting a clothing line. I was to be so much further… but as I’ve learned and everyone learns, it doesn’t always work out just how you plan. And that’s okay… but as I’ve said over and over I’m TIRED of wasting my time. I’m tired of wasting time dwelling on wasted time. I’ve come along way since the chaos started a couple years ago… I’ve come out of my depression… I can FUNCTION again. I’m much more creative which is an excellent sign of “recovery” for me… things are moving.

After making my little list of priorities… I realize that self expression, is the MOST important thing for me. It’s the key to my peace of mind… my full depression recovery… my happiness and my creative success. The juices are flowing again… but not much is coming of it. After my slip and reading about one featured etsy seller who seemed so passionate about everything she’s doing… I realized I miss that. I miss being engulfed in my art. I’ve chosen my project to start focusing on, my poetry book. But I’m by no means “engulfed” by it. I’m by no means… aggressively and excitedly working on it. I guess I’m still battling with the expectations. The fear of not being “good enough” for someone imaginary… the fear that my family won’t like it… that people will hate it and my work will be heavily criticized… then I wrote something important in my journal. FUCK IT and FUCK ANY OF THEM. Screw you if you have nothing better to do than beat down my work. Screw my insecurities and expectations. Who cares if no one likes it? I will like it… I will LOVE it and it will make me feel great to have done it.

Another thing I realized is I really don’t dive into anything anymore with passion. I miss my passion. I miss my drive… my curiosity. My eagerness to learn. I’m doing a free online class right now called The other 90 percent: unlock your vast untapped potential. I read through the first lesson… didn’t do the exercises… read into the second lesson and realized after reading about being original and standing out from the crowd… that I am racing through life without really experiencing it right now. Something I was never one to do. Everything I read felt like a blur… last week felt like a blur… I’m not doing anything with focus and care and I need to figure out how to do that. I need to stop thinking about the end result all the time. For example… I constantly feel a need to write. I want to write… but when I put pen to paper… I don’t. I can’t. And I think it’s because I’m thinking… well I want to make a poetry book, I should write poetry or maybe I should write something about the ex because I wanted to do a collection about that… etc. I don’t JUST DO. Because I’m constantly feeling like I should be doing something else. And I’m impatient. We finished the Green Mile the other night (great movie)… and M was watching the extras like he does. He came to tell me about how Steven Spielberg would sell his short stories to students for $1 to make movies… and the director of Green Mile spent THREE YEARS making a 30 minute movie out of one… Spielberg liked it so much he let him make one movie which lead to another which led to his success… THREE YEARS perfecting it. Making it the perfect piece he wanted it to be. I don’t do that anymore… I think too much about where I should be and how I would like that NOW. There’s NO TIME!!!!

Enough’s enough. There’s no rush at all. In fact, all I’ve wanted to do lately is have the world just slow the hell down for a minute to let me catch my breath… when in reality, I am the issue. I am my own problem. I’ve wanted to do this poetry book forever and ever and ever. Since the first poem. 9 years ago. I want this piece to be amazing and beautiful. For me. No more thinking about how maybe, just maybe, it could get published or maybe someone will buy one on my online store… I want to slave over this thing for as long as it takes until, to me, it is just right. Just perfect.

And that’s what I intend to do. Starting now… no more million things multitasking… no more self imposed deadlines on the wrong things. Focus. Care. Creativity. No more starting a book so I can read X a week. I want to put care back into everything I do.

Aaahhhh….

Alone weekend time. M just headed off to play some basketball… I reminded him it was “almost time to leave” for the last 10 minutes… every 30 seconds. Sometimes M gets moody. Sometimes I would like him to leave… sometimes he takes a long time to do that. But off he went and I’m chilling in my quiet apartment with a bowl of ice cream. Yummy. Hey, I’ve earned it! I went Fri and Saturday to run TWICE a day… went this morning and am going again this evening! Yes! I am back on workout track and enjoying it. I’ve got the little flicker of fire back in my internal “furnace.” I love the furnace… when I was doing really well running and working out and eating right… I would eat a meal, and it was like POOF! Gone. I didn’t feel hungry anymore but I didn’t feel like I ate… it gets burned right up. Tomorrow… I go full on. I’m cutting out breaded carbs for awhile. Going to stick to fruits and yogurts, potatoes for that. No sweets… no soda… I’m excited! M’s doing it to (finally) so he’ll help me stay on track.

Other news… oh. I fell off the “not looking at other people’s sites” wagon… um, yesterday. I went on etsy to check out my store… I always love to read about the featured sellers… so I just did it! Then I was off to this woman’s site and blogs and everything. But I wasn’t doing any comparing for once, so I guess it’s okay? I had planned to make notebooks this weekend… but I couldn’t get all the materials. I’m making my mom and sister one as binding practice for my poetry books. I have all the supplies but I headed to Xpedx to get legal sized paper I could cut down… and they were closed for inventory! Ack! I figured I could find more decent paper than just copy paper since legal is an odd size to look for… but, I’ll have to go another day. I was bummed. It wasn’t all bad though… I did pick up a copy of the Denver Student Arts League or whatever. $40 annual membership and lot’s of art classes! They aren’t cheap, but $40 - $100 isn’t really that high.

Well… I guess that’s really all I have to say