I don’t know.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I’m confused… and I’m tired. If one more person tells me there’s a light at the end of this tunnel I just might shove my face into a 10,000 watt bulb so that maybe I can catch a glimpse.

I don’t know okay? I just don’t.

Things will be fine… normal, on track… yet I still feel so unhappy. I know I’m making things happen, but I’m not addressing the issues at the core of all this. Who am I? What do I want? After the offer came for the job I went out to eat with M. We started talking about things… life. Being grown up… actually, I might have started it. My head was in a cluttered state with expectations, pressure and uncertainty rearing their ugly heads no matter which direction I turned. I’m just tired. I don’t know what I want. Part of me is happy to have gotten this job. Part of me is very upset (nay, disappointed) about going back to work for “the man” and losing my freedom. I’m so sick of bills… relationship issues (yes, I have them), bald tires and HOAs.

I’m freelancing from home. I’m drawing. I’m writing. I’m not working out much and certainly not eating the best. I’m making friends. I’m working on my relationship. But I still feel so unsettled in my life and my skin. I’m still going through the motions. Sometimes I read through self help books. I try the exercises. I list out who I am. What I want. Ask me to sit down and write out pages and pages about what I want my life to be, who I want to be and I will… but none of it’s right and I already know that. Tell me that when I move to Hawaii… when the lawsuit is over and when my finances are in order it will be okay and you just might get a nod out of me. A confirming smile. But I don’t believe you.

Working from home has always been my dream. My own company… but here I am and I can’t work up enough motivation to get anything done. I wonder if I even really want it. I tell myself it’s because I’m not staying here. I’ll be moving to Hawaii. A good thing right? No. I don’t know anything, that’s the point of this post. I don’t know if Hawaii is where I want to be. I don’t know if I want to start a business and I certainly don’t know if I want to start one with M… is he the right one for me? Am I just making the same mistakes? The couple’s counselor told us that women reach maturity at 25, men at 30.

And then there’s the feeling of who the hell am I? Why do I think I’m so important that I deserve to be so upset. People have it worse. It could be worse. I could be homeless… I could have no job in the middle of a recession. I could be without internet… without my cell phone. I could be without the luxury of a hot shower and food. And I know how horrible it’s going to sound when I say I would rather have that. To be void of this life that I’ve built so “successfully” for myself. To have the chance to just start over. No ties, no belongings…

Maybe I just need a vacation? Maybe I just need to get away from it all. A vacation would be good for me they say. Here’s the thing… I’ve been on vacation… I’ve been refreshed by a different place with no email access and no worries. But then I have to go back. And I still don’t want my life. I sound ungrateful I know. I KNOW.

I just don’t know what to do. The only thing I know for certain is that I don’t know anything right now. I need to stop acting like I do. I need to just STOP. No more moving forward on things I’m unsure of… no more business plans… no more moving plans… Maybe I just need to shut up now. Stop coming up with more solutions because clearly, I DON’T KNOW what I’m doing.

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One thing I do know for certain is I love my little kitty… who when I started bawling in the middle of this post climbed all the way down from him favorite box to sit with me.

Busy as a bumblebee.

All of a sudden I’m busy. I’m productive. I’m creating. I’m doing shit. Finally… There’s been a lot of freelance lately. Which is great. M has a couple logos… I have some design work. Cha-ching! Not enough for bills, but that’s okay because… I GOT THE JOB! I’m stoked. M stressed me out a little by pointing out the miles I’ll put on my car, the gas costs, etc. But I reminded myself that it’s what I wanted, it’s part time, it’s money… and I think it will be grand. I’m in the midst of the “negotiation dance” which I hate, but the job has been offered to me. They said my skills, experience and personality will be a great fit and I’m very excited.

So that’s really it… quick post.