How do you find relief?

From a life where pressure is coming from every angle? Other people’s standards. The world’s standards. I realize that I am the only one putting all this pressure on myself… but how I am supposed to relieve myself?

I’m so tired.

I’m so tired of my life. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not supposed to bitch because I have it better than other people. I could be living in a box right? I could be riding the bus. I could be handicapped or mentally slow… but I’m not. And therefore I’m not supposed to be upset about my life. I’m so tired of people telling me it will be okay, they understand. They don’t. They don’t know what it’s like to be stuck with a house they never wanted. They don’t know what it’s like to be stuck with loans they never would have had if they had dropped their ex years ago. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I don’t want my house. So sell it? But I feel like I’m supposed to keep it… it’s an investment they say. It would be shame not to make money off it they say. What’s a few hundred dollars a month now when the payoff will be tremendous… that is, when the market picks back up.

I’m not supposed to quit a good job. Who the hell am I? I can’t ask for help… I had a decent freaking job that I left. But I can’t stay… it physically damages me because I’m so miserable. But I’m so fortunate to have a decent job. I’m on my own. Design society says I must not be good if I have to make ends meet with a waitress job. A piddly receptionist job I can’t even get. I must not be good because I can’t find work in an oversaturated/cheap market.

I feel like I can’t lean on M. I don’t have to take care of her he says with such pride. She’s so independent. I’m not supposed to fall on my face because I said I could do it. I’m not supposed to mess up. If so, it’s my own damn fault for quitting that decent job remember? I’m not supposed to drive a junker car instead of my nice, fast car. I’m not supposed to sell my corvette when times get hard…

I feel so alone. I feel like I can’t let everyone down by failing. I feel like all M does is try and distract me. He doesn’t help me. He’s not here for me… because I’m so independent. I don’t need help.

What do I really want? I want to sell everything I own. Every single thing. I want to be debt free and to live within my means. I want freedom. I want time. I just want to be content with my life. I broke up with the ex because I woke up one day after the chaos of college and my first job had calmed… I woke up in a life I didn’t want. I woke up as a person I didn’t know or want to be. I’ve been fighting like hell to find myself and happiness in my life… yet I feel lost and stuck because so much pressure from everything and everyone is confusing me. I don’t know what to do…

I’m so damn tired.