Guess Who!?

So I did some writing today in my journal about the fact that I still feel like what’s the point. What’s the point of writing if no one’s going to read it… what’s the point of drawing? I realized that the things that excited me are the things that I feel have a purpose. Like doing my poetry book… giving it as gifts to family and maybe even selling some to internet strangers who will enjoy it. My side blog motivates me because it’s fun. Even though no one’s really checked it, I feel obligation to do something. I feel inspired to mix it up and try new things so that it’s not all drawings or just writings. Then I went on to think about how much I love blogging, the writing and the community. How much I love journaling… I love crappy drawings and attempts at prose… but I do none of this around other people. Why is that? It’s who I am.

I started thinking about how it’s really that I worry so much about other people’s judgements of me. I worry what people I used to go to school with would think if they discovered my blog. What M’s friends would think of his latest girlfriend… what would my family think?

This is who I am.

What’s been holding me back forever is the fact that I’m not comfortable with who I am. And then I got inspired to say screw em all. I am who I am. I thought of a couple people I went to school with… they have blogs, they have art gallery showings… they are themselves. So why am I hiding? I’m a private person… but what I need in my life is expression and purpose. So I’m building a website. www(dot)myrealname(dot)com. Coming soon people. What will this site entail? Everything. Here’s my vision.

My site will be me… an about ME page. Real name, real photos. I will have a few blog pages… this regular blog will be one… my create everyday another… and I’m thinking a book review blog for my book a week goal. I will have my design portfolio up there for all to see… a link to my business site is a maybe, contact info (no stalkers, not enough to track me down without having to ask me for info). A goal of mine is to get an etsy store going… also to make little chapbooks of poems (not yet written), to sell art… etc. So a store page. A photo page… I don’t know. It will be me, my site, my purpose to create and write and be alive. To be me. Open to the world… love it or leave it but don’t try and change it is my motto. Now I’m going to listen to myself. So it’s coming soon and I will of course share that link here when it’s all said and done.

Dreams… the sleepy kind.

Last night I had an odd dream… and some crazy tricks played on me by my eyes. First I woke up and swore I saw a HUGE ASS SPIDER… like the size of my hand on the wall. I sat up and freaked out. M woke up and asked what was wrong. I told him about the giant ass spider. He fumbled around trying to turn on a light… mumbled that he couldn’t work it and passed back out. Terrified I kept searching the wall for the damn spider. No luck. I just sat there and M woke back up and I laid down with him… pressed closely to him. Then I woke up again and it was like a flicker of black squiggles against the dimly lit wall and again, thought I saw a giant bug. But this time I realized what my eyes were doing and assured myself that there must not have been a spider either. I did this several more times throughout the early morning… jumping every time. Ugh.

Then I had a fairly long dream involving the ex’s parents. Basically I was at their old house (where they spent most of the years I knew them). M was with me… odd. We were hanging out and catching up. They seemed to accept M as my new boyfriend and the mom and I caught up. Honestly, I miss them. They were better parents to me than my own back in the day. I worry about his mom all the time. She is a needy woman and longs for approval and love and acceptance. The ex wasn’t always tolerant of her and was constantly mean. I made it my duty to stand up for her. I wonder if they hate me? I broke their son’s heart by leaving him. She called me her daughter… they think I’m doing horrible things trying to get him to pay for his half. He lies. I know he lied to them… This worry must have sparked the dream.

I’m about to head to the gym for my first of the “two-a-day” workouts. I’m going to eat excellent… no sweets or junk. Maybe a soda… Last night M and I went to a concert that was okay at best. See my side blog for my daily creation that revolved around it, lol. Tonight Citizen Cope plays and I want to go… but we’ve been out and about it seems every night, so we may not go… not a huge deal to me.

Still no word from the jobs…
so after finishing M and I’s website today I will job hunt like a MoFo.