Feeling Worthless…

but about to go out for some excellent Mexican food! Which is my reward for eating good all day and not binging on popcorn and ice cream when I got home from work. Yay.

So back to the worthlessness… I just got up off the couch to blog. I spent a good hour there. Just feeling bleh. I wrote the post the other day about needing to finish something… anything. How I feel like I need to do that now… it needs to be a priority. Just choose something and get it done. I feel like I need to know I can finish things or else I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels… going nowhere… wasting space. Well over at Original Impulse… a new e-book came out on that very subject! So, yes, I bought it, even though my funds are limited because I need to do this. I need to finish SOMETHING.

So I’m reading down through it… partly thinking $10 for this 35 page doc? and partly thinking how much I hope something in this thing works. She talks about the importance of finishing… which I agree. Then I get to the part about choosing something to work on. Choosing the first project to complete. I just can’t seem to do that. I can list out all my projects… filter through to the ones I want to do now…. the ones that can wait… but there are so many I want to do RIGHT NOW. The frustration cycle continues… I’ll just pick one. But then I think about what I have to do and I think do I really want to that first? Maybe I’d rather do this first… no. Maybe that. I can’t decide… I am missing the plugin that allows me to choose one.

So I retired, defeated, to the couch to ponder the point of my existence.

Then I started thinking about all the uncertainties and frustrations. The expectations and the pressure. Then I thought…. I should make a book. I should make a book full of all these things. A page for each expectation. For each feeling of worthlessness and for each label of who I am and ought to be. Take each one and really look at it and decide whether or not it’s who I am. Determine who gave it to me or where I picked it up for myself. Make my little book and then l lock the sucker away. Kill two birds with one stone. Why not? I can’t seem to do anything else…

(sigh)

I’ve been working a lot lately it feels like. Freelance… then the part time job. But honestly, I’m not working enough at the part time job to make it worth the drive out there. I’m thinking about going in earlier anyways, despite the fact that they don’t need me til around 9:30am. This way I can still leave around 1:30 - 2:30 and have worked 6 - 7 hours. I’m just struggling… you know, nothing new. I wish that I could just focus in. That I could work hard… but my head is so lost with trying to figure out what I want… I feel horrible being stuck there. I’m trying to motivate myself with the complete creative freedom I have. And while there’s not a whole lot to do, I can redesign their websites should I deem it necessary… and it is, very necessary.

This morning I bought Mat Kearney on iTunes. I’m really enjoying the album and have been listening to it all day. Something different… I didn’t work out last night. Getting up early in the morning wiped me out. I didn’t get up this morning as well… but I’m going to go tonight and who knows after that.

Not me.

I need to finish. NOW.

Today, it clicked. I need to finish something. Whether it’s a notebook for my sister… a piece of art… a short story all put together in a little booklet. I HAVE to finish something. I still feel strongly that I need and want to really lose myself in my projects. I want to learn everything about everything so that I can put together the best, most brilliant piece or project–for myself. I have a lot of big ideas. Big projects… big art collections and many, many personal projects. Too many. But this also equals hours and days and years of creativity and self expression. That’s all fine and dandy… but until I finish something, I will constantly be stuck in this frustrating cycle. The cycle where I tell myself one day I need to do this… I need to work on one thing. Then I start to think about that one thing… how long it will take, how I may just be wasting time when I should be finishing something else… then I think, duh, I need to do this, not that. Cycle continues… and perhaps this is the same thing, but let me break it down for you…

I’ve had a lot of ideas and brilliant plans and creative genius. I’ve also never. finished. anything.

Honestly, what have I finished in all my years of great thinking… there was the chicken wire sculpture idea… not done. Never even finished the frame. There was the poetry book, uh, still in planning. There was the series of paintings I was going to do in high school… the books I was going to write. The this and that and the other thing. All. Not. Done. Yes, I accomplish some things but not to the degree I really feel they are complete. I made my mom a photo album for Christmas… but I didn’t lay the whole thing out as beautifully as I originally intended. I did draw her a picture once for her birthday… I suppose that can count as done. Sure, I’ve finished many design projects for work and my own business… but those as well are not to the level I really feel proud of.

I need to finish something and I need to do it now. The poetry book will obviously not be this. It can’t be because it requires and deserves much more attention and time. It deserves years of focus. Something small perhaps? But what…

I need that thing that’s done that makes me go, that’s perfect. It’s beautiful… it’s exactly what I wanted it to be. I need that to excite me to push myself further. To take on a bigger project… to be proud and know that I can finish these things… that their time will come. They will come to fruitation someday, even someday soon… because look, look at what I’ve already done. I can finish and I will finish.

I struggle so hard with what that could be… I need to tell myself, it doesn’t matter if it’s award winning, publishable or everyone will love it. Where the hell did this come from anyways? Who gives a shit? You didn’t used to? What happened? You never finish a damn thing so why not get on something cool that’s sparking your interest and just flippin’ do it already.

Okay… one more thing.

I’m going back on the blogs and creative sites fast. I still think it’s important and will help me get better at expressing myself 100% without feeling like I should be doing something else. It’s an odd place to be really… I was just writing in my journal about all this. I have some “friends” on myspace that I went to school with but never really got to know… there’s one guy who’s always posting his artwork and gallery opening announcements. I was always kinda of proud in a way… my fellow classmates growing up and growing their artistic careers. Then another guy posted a bulletin about his clothing line being picked up by a clothing website… awesome. Then another girl posted looking for someone else who wanted to be in a gallery opening she is going to be in because another artist dropped out… uh, yes, good for her… but what the hell am I doing?

I felt like a failure. I’ve always had such big elaborate plans for my life. By 24 I was going to have two degrees… I would be opening my design studio (or already running it), I would have poetry published…. starting a clothing line. I was to be so much further… but as I’ve learned and everyone learns, it doesn’t always work out just how you plan. And that’s okay… but as I’ve said over and over I’m TIRED of wasting my time. I’m tired of wasting time dwelling on wasted time. I’ve come along way since the chaos started a couple years ago… I’ve come out of my depression… I can FUNCTION again. I’m much more creative which is an excellent sign of “recovery” for me… things are moving.

After making my little list of priorities… I realize that self expression, is the MOST important thing for me. It’s the key to my peace of mind… my full depression recovery… my happiness and my creative success. The juices are flowing again… but not much is coming of it. After my slip and reading about one featured etsy seller who seemed so passionate about everything she’s doing… I realized I miss that. I miss being engulfed in my art. I’ve chosen my project to start focusing on, my poetry book. But I’m by no means “engulfed” by it. I’m by no means… aggressively and excitedly working on it. I guess I’m still battling with the expectations. The fear of not being “good enough” for someone imaginary… the fear that my family won’t like it… that people will hate it and my work will be heavily criticized… then I wrote something important in my journal. FUCK IT and FUCK ANY OF THEM. Screw you if you have nothing better to do than beat down my work. Screw my insecurities and expectations. Who cares if no one likes it? I will like it… I will LOVE it and it will make me feel great to have done it.

Another thing I realized is I really don’t dive into anything anymore with passion. I miss my passion. I miss my drive… my curiosity. My eagerness to learn. I’m doing a free online class right now called The other 90 percent: unlock your vast untapped potential. I read through the first lesson… didn’t do the exercises… read into the second lesson and realized after reading about being original and standing out from the crowd… that I am racing through life without really experiencing it right now. Something I was never one to do. Everything I read felt like a blur… last week felt like a blur… I’m not doing anything with focus and care and I need to figure out how to do that. I need to stop thinking about the end result all the time. For example… I constantly feel a need to write. I want to write… but when I put pen to paper… I don’t. I can’t. And I think it’s because I’m thinking… well I want to make a poetry book, I should write poetry or maybe I should write something about the ex because I wanted to do a collection about that… etc. I don’t JUST DO. Because I’m constantly feeling like I should be doing something else. And I’m impatient. We finished the Green Mile the other night (great movie)… and M was watching the extras like he does. He came to tell me about how Steven Spielberg would sell his short stories to students for $1 to make movies… and the director of Green Mile spent THREE YEARS making a 30 minute movie out of one… Spielberg liked it so much he let him make one movie which lead to another which led to his success… THREE YEARS perfecting it. Making it the perfect piece he wanted it to be. I don’t do that anymore… I think too much about where I should be and how I would like that NOW. There’s NO TIME!!!!

Enough’s enough. There’s no rush at all. In fact, all I’ve wanted to do lately is have the world just slow the hell down for a minute to let me catch my breath… when in reality, I am the issue. I am my own problem. I’ve wanted to do this poetry book forever and ever and ever. Since the first poem. 9 years ago. I want this piece to be amazing and beautiful. For me. No more thinking about how maybe, just maybe, it could get published or maybe someone will buy one on my online store… I want to slave over this thing for as long as it takes until, to me, it is just right. Just perfect.

And that’s what I intend to do. Starting now… no more million things multitasking… no more self imposed deadlines on the wrong things. Focus. Care. Creativity. No more starting a book so I can read X a week. I want to put care back into everything I do.

Aaahhhh….

Alone weekend time. M just headed off to play some basketball… I reminded him it was “almost time to leave” for the last 10 minutes… every 30 seconds. Sometimes M gets moody. Sometimes I would like him to leave… sometimes he takes a long time to do that. But off he went and I’m chilling in my quiet apartment with a bowl of ice cream. Yummy. Hey, I’ve earned it! I went Fri and Saturday to run TWICE a day… went this morning and am going again this evening! Yes! I am back on workout track and enjoying it. I’ve got the little flicker of fire back in my internal “furnace.” I love the furnace… when I was doing really well running and working out and eating right… I would eat a meal, and it was like POOF! Gone. I didn’t feel hungry anymore but I didn’t feel like I ate… it gets burned right up. Tomorrow… I go full on. I’m cutting out breaded carbs for awhile. Going to stick to fruits and yogurts, potatoes for that. No sweets… no soda… I’m excited! M’s doing it to (finally) so he’ll help me stay on track.

Other news… oh. I fell off the “not looking at other people’s sites” wagon… um, yesterday. I went on etsy to check out my store… I always love to read about the featured sellers… so I just did it! Then I was off to this woman’s site and blogs and everything. But I wasn’t doing any comparing for once, so I guess it’s okay? I had planned to make notebooks this weekend… but I couldn’t get all the materials. I’m making my mom and sister one as binding practice for my poetry books. I have all the supplies but I headed to Xpedx to get legal sized paper I could cut down… and they were closed for inventory! Ack! I figured I could find more decent paper than just copy paper since legal is an odd size to look for… but, I’ll have to go another day. I was bummed. It wasn’t all bad though… I did pick up a copy of the Denver Student Arts League or whatever. $40 annual membership and lot’s of art classes! They aren’t cheap, but $40 - $100 isn’t really that high.

Well… I guess that’s really all I have to say 

Okay, I’m done counting…

Still not looking at other people’s stuff though  :)  This morning I woke up at 6:30am and went to the gym! I ran 20minutes and now I’m going to eat healthy all day! I had… um, a little bit of a binge yesterday afternoon… which made me feel bad. In more ways than one. So no more! I’m gettin’ healthy!

Day 8… TIRED.

I am so tired… I’ve been tired for a week now. Must just be adjusting to going back to work, which drains life and energy out of me. My knots are back… I’m cranky, and “wind-down” time is much needed. I was planning to go to bed AT 10:30 last night so I could wake up and run before work, but M thought it was a good plan to watch the end of Green Mile (which I loved). Instead of being “just another half hour” it was an hour and a half. So needless to say, I didn’t wake up on time.

Last night I had gone to the gym and lifted arms and ran. I didn’t run the whole 20 minutes… but man did it feel good. When I was really stressed out at an old job I would run for an hour. Or run so hard I would fall asleep the second I got home. Yes, I really HATE working. Not because I’m lazy… I just hate the 9 - 5. This hasn’t been horrible… I mean it sucks. They are unorganized, messy and argue… but I leave between 1:30 and 2:30. The drive is way too long and my car is only one year old with two years worth of miles on it… ugh. Let’s not go there.

Today I bought a notebook! For my Scanner Daybook/DaVinci notebook! I bought one just like my journal, only bigger and started collecting my thoughts on my poetry book. I still feel stuck on it though… I have 24 poems selected and a lot more to type up and choose from… I wish that was done. Because I want to move to the next step of figuring out the page count and layout/organization… so then… I can figure out which poems get art and what I’m going to do! In this last little bout of uncertainty, I lost my “roll” of inspiration. I wasn’t having ideas… not drawing… creating every day… but wanting to. I think focusing on the poetry book will be good though. Diving in to one and only one project will be fun. I’m enjoying writing about it and coming up with ideas in my daybook. My mind has focused solely on that which is also good. When I’m flipping through a design magazine trying to get inspiration to use at work… I see things that inspire my poetry book pages. I also see things that I think would be cool… wouldn’t this “art” or that “art” be awesome for a roadtrip story/prose/poem? I should write that! I’m also getting stuck on the making it part. What paper? How to bind? How hard is it to bind? Where the heck am I going to bind in this messy apartment!?

I’m deciding on how many to make… give away… sell? I’m thinking I’ll 100% handmake one. For me. Then, either reproduce and print from home the rest, hand bind. OR, print through blurb. I’m still going to make them all awesome either way… all the covers will be hand assembled… whether I print from home or through blurb, I’m going to still “tip” things in. A tip-in is a print term for adding things into a printed piece… adding a photo to a page, etc.

Tonight, M may not make it home before my bedtime. He’s got basketball and work to do… so I’ll type up the rest of the poems… so I can move forward! I guess I don’t even need to type them all right? Just write the names down… duh.

Day 7… Priorities

Today was a pretty good day. Last night was great. I went over to A’s and was introduced to Sex and the City! Love it, so far. Then A was heading out with her roommate and roommate’s boyfriend on their motorcycles… and I got to ride along for a short lap! I’ve never been on one… it was so much fun. I love speed. It wasn’t scary, I thought it might be, the whole, out there in the open thing. But I had a blast! Then I came home and started working on some freelance that’s been lingering over my “can’t design” head. M came home from basketball around 8:30. He said he wanted to hang out and talk with me… so we went to eat pie and burritos at the Denver Diner. Oreo cream pie… mmmm… not good for the diet! We talked for quite awhile. It was wonderful. I started talking to him about what I’m going through right now. It started with “I don’t want to be a designer anymore…” even though I never meant it like it sounded. I just meant that I didn’t want to do anything. Nothing was appealing and everything feels hard. He really helped talk me through things. We talked about putting the move off longer because I’d really like to be in a better place before making another drastic change in my life. Moving, new jobs, new location, living with family… the possibility of no job and no money in an expensive place… etc. I want to pay off my credit cards… reduce my debt, have savings… be happier, healthier… and M and I to get back to that great place. I told him how I have my list of things I need/want to change in my life. He said it so simply… “just take it one thing at a time. check one thing off at a time.” That, along with yesterdays response, made me want to sit down with my list and figure out what’s really important.

And I did. I came up with the 10 Need To Dos and why they are a necessity:

1. Be in shape: Being in shape is important because it will also take care of other issues… like managing my stress, being healthier and doing more things active. It will help me to be more confident, feel comfortable in my skin and feel more attractive.

2. Be healthier: Eating better, working out, taking vitamins… all this will lead to being in shape, feeling better and all of the above (#1) benefits. This involves taking better care of my teeth… I’ve spent some money on cavities lately… taking better care of my teeth and gums means less cavities and dental bills.

3. Manage my stress: If my stress is under control I will feel better… I will be sick less, have less back and neck pain, be happy and healthier.

4. More “me” time: Something both M and I are starting to get. Me time is so important because it helps me figure out who “me” is. It relaxes me and gives me time to be alone and think. Time to do whatever I want and “fill the well” (credit to Chelsea). This whole well thing really is important, something I need to make time for.

5. Be more spiritual: I’m fascinated with the mentality and ideas of Buddhism. I love it. But I don’t know much about it. I feel like learning more about it, and spirituality in general, will help me to find balance, be a better person, manage my stress and focus on what’s really important in life.

6. Have a best friend: It’s important that I have that outside support that’s not M. I love him dearly, and I want support from him, but I need me a good old fashion girlfriend. Someone to hang out with… to talk to, to shop with… to watch bad TV with. I need that.

7. Be happy with M: We’re on our way… but not being happy in my relationship has been a strain on my life in a lot of ways for a long time… pre M. I love M, this I know… and I want us to be happy. I need to communicate with him what my needs are better….

8. Express myself: Self expression is extremely important to my well being. This I know. The last time I was truly happy and in tune with myself was when I expressed myself freely in many creative ways.

9. Be cleaner and more organized: Living in boxes clutters not only my space but my mind. It’s taking over my life. I need to clear my life and mind of all the useless things. Cluttered space, like the apartment, makes me stressed and unhappy.

10. Be financially stable: I need to get my finances in order as they have been a mess and a huge cause of stress for me for a long time. This involves eliminating all my debt (credit cards and such), living within my means, and saving.

I did good. And I really clarified for myself what’s important… because as you can see, the list is quite long. The important things are obvious… and now I can focus on just 12 things vs… a lot. I’m pretty content right now. I had some good me time doing this… sitting in front of the TV watching King of Queens while sorting through my list. Time to think in quite while M is out watching basketball. I would like to have a day to myself once a week. To do whatever I want. Roll out of bed late… eat breakfast when and where I want… do what I want without someone else around.

That’s all for now…

Day 6… IDK No More

Like I’ve been saying… over and over and over again… I DON’T KNOW. I feel like the only thing I know, is that I don’t know anything. Well enough. The words “I don’t know” are being removed from my vocabulary once and for all. Right above… that’s the last of it. PERIOD. So this is an “I know” post:

I know… that I love my kitty despite his crazy spats and constant nagging. I know that M and I will work things out, may not be right now, but it will be sometime soon. I know that soon I will be able to move forward from my life with the ex, May 14th, it will be over whether I win or not and that’s all I care about. I know that I can now make ends meet. I know that someday I will be living in beautiful Hawaii and that right now, I need to repair my damaged self. I know that I will figure this all out. I know that I am loved and I will soon have the support system I need. I know I am a good designer and that everyone suffers from creative blocks. I know, I will someday know much more.

I posted on the forums for the Refuse to Choose book… I posted my frustrations about feeling unable to get things done and focus… one girl replied:

It seems that you really have a LOT you want to do. Do you have a Scanner Daybook to capture all of your ideas? This is really important because otherwise you are going in circles always just thinking about them and being afraid you might forget them. So, write your ideas down. For me, sometimes I have to write several pages about an idea and sometimes an entrance into my “perhaps someday” list is enough. Often, writing about an idea satisfies me so much that I don’t really have to start the project at all.

It might help to focus on only a handful of projects for a month. Decide which 5 projects you want to work on for the next 4 weeks and put the others on hold. That way your schedule will be more relaxed to stick to. And you know that you can change projects in a few weeks time. I set up these hanging folders where you throw everything into (don’t know their name) for each project and have a box with my current projects in the living room. I am set up to work on each project within a minute. The folders with projects that are not on schedule for this month go into the filing cabinet in the bedroom. This really works very well for me as I can focus on a few projects at a time and still get a lot done on the long run.

Don’t despair! You’ll find your way of setting up a schedule that works.

She mentions the “scanner daybook” and her “perhaps someday list” in there… the scanner daybook is supposed to be along the lines of DaVinci’s notebooks. He captured everything in there… every idea, every sketch… every to do list and plans. Research and notes. Everything. I LOVE DaVinci. He’s amazing. A brilliant man who was capable in every area. When I was younger I was so inspired by him… I was going to be a renaissance woman… I was going to read books on everything in the world and know so much… do so much… be so much. And while I never really did that, I still very much think and live in those ways. I want so much from life. I have so much to do and I want so much to give and help in this world.

So this post sparked some thoughts. First… I need a scanner daybook. I love the book I’m using as a journal and plan to get one of those… maybe even tonight. Keep it with me… use it always. I wrote about this before. I used to use sketchbooks and I’d plan out my projects (mostly school work). Page after page was filled with research and notes… ideas and flowcharts… messy and wonderful. A place for it all… and I also need to really categorize things. A “perhaps someday” list. There are things I know will work and be wonderful and even provide funding for other things… those are more important. There are some, that really, don’t HAVE to get done. They have no place bothering me when I’m working on other things… they’re for a rainy day when I’m bored and flip back through my daybook for something to do.

Anyways… I have work to do and books to invest in… so I will be back tomorrow.

Today, day 6 away from blogs and creative sites… doing okay 

Day 5… I’m not working.

I mean that in the “can’t function” way, not the “not at work” way. Ugh. I hate these sorts of days. I have a tiny head cold… but otherwise, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to function. M and I are in a good place… I had a mega relaxing weekend… the house is a hair or two cleaner… money is not an issue… I sat at work all day today unable to come up with anything for a design. I hate that. I move so slow… and hate all that I do. I think the issue might be that I can’t ever just be where I am.

I can’t be at work, even part time, without thinking about how much I’d rather be at home working on something creative. Not designing. I can’t be at home without thinking how much I’d rather be hanging out with a friend… I can’t be out with a friend without thinking about how much I wish I was doing something else. I can’t just block off my mind for chunks of time to focus on one thing. I also know the issue is partially that I want everything right now. I feel like there’s no time. No time to not be making my poetry book. No time to not be running my successful business. No time to not be doing whatever. There is no time to waste… when I’m actually wasting tons of it.

This is an ongoing issue.

I would really love to make some of the things I learned in Refuse to Choose work for me. Like the scheduling time for things. What I also really need to do is prioritize things. For instance… it’s really not that important that I get an etsy shop up and running. That’s not really a priority for me. I took a writing class awhile ago and the teacher helped us make an action plan. We listed out the things we wanted to write. Then we put a star next to the ones we wanted to work on in the next year. Another star next to those we wanted to work on in the next 6 months. Another next to the ones we would work on in the next 3 months… and finally another next to the one(s) we’d work on this month. Then we asked ourselves the following questions:

1. What is one thing I can do right now?
2. Why is this one thing important?
3. What do I need to do this?
4. By when will I accomplish this?
5. How will I hold myself accountable?

In another book (I seriously forget which one), I read about planning backwards. I think it was also Refuse to Choose. I just remember that you plan backwards, each step you’ll need to get to the finished point and all the way until you get to something you can do right now. I need to do these sorts of things. What is a priority to me and what can honestly wait. I need to schedule as well. Schedule and stick to it. I’m thinking one way to save time and gas/money is to workout in Boulder in the mornings before work. I can roll out of bed at 6am and head up there traffic free. The gym is like 3mins from work… so I can get ready there and head over. Then I’m done with workouts unless I choose to go again later and no extra gas or time has been used. Okay. So tonight I’m going to reread Refuse to Choose, the good parts, and make my priorities list.

How are you all? I miss you terribly.

–

So I did some reading in Refuse to Choose again… I think the issue is that I don’t know what I want to work on. It’s the same issue with the rest of my life. I don’t know. I can easily write out a list of all my projects. I can just as easily check boxes next to each one of when I’d like to work on them… but it’s routine, it’s whatever I’ve done before/think I should be doing. I reread the chapter on the type of “scanner” I am. A cyclical sybil scanner. I come back to the same interests over and over… I enjoy working on the same things and wish I could be 20 people so that I could get them DONE. Instead, I overwhelm myself and get stuck doing none of them.

Then I read back through the part that was about an artist. She would get interested in making her sculptures for a few months and would turn out some amazing pieces because she was so excited and worked hard on them… then one day she couldn’t look at them anymore and would start writing songs and music and playing at clubs… until that bored her. Then she would do something else… she would return at some point to these things and so on… Barbara Sher talks about how if you’re that type of scanner you should allow yourself to dive into things as they come about. If you really feel like giving your all to one thing… do it for a day, a week a year. Then when you’re done, go back to what you were doing, or follow the next thing.

So I thought, maybe that’s me. Maybe I can’t focus because deep down I really want to be doing something else. So I thought about what I want to do… and I don’t know. I wish I could shut off my brain sometimes. Not looking at other people’s creative outlets is hard, but I think it will help. I hope that at some point I will realize what it is I want to be doing. Whether it’s one thing… or several. Maybe I need to try dedicating a day, days or a week to something. Every extra moment will be poured into the project. Maybe I should pick one. One I know I’ve been wanting to do forever… let everything else sit on idle. Dive into it, get my hands dirty and work my heart out on it. Tell myself it’s okay to not work on the others, there time will come. And then let my creativity take over and guide me from there.

So I’m picking my poetry book… because I’ve wanted to do this forever and ever and I still do and always will. So I’m rolling up my sleeves… pushing everything else aside (for now, because there’s time) and getting to work.