Now where did I put that inspiration?

(scratches head)

I don’t know what happened… must have been the freakout? But I feel I’ve lost that sense of inspiration I had before. Not to worry! I plan to re-read what inspired me and revisit that “place” I was in… I made myself a to do list. A list of things to choose from when I find myself bored and doing nothing productive. Things it includes:

Make a quote poster, sewing, guitar (I have learn guitar videos), cooking, yofa, meditate, draw, journal, write, paint, new art medium, photography, exercise, design clothes, magazine, website (last two are other business ideas), poetry book, etsy store (start one), scrapbook…

I had all these ideas. I was constantly writing in my head. My problem was, I didn’t write it down. So I’m going to start keeping some paper and pens with me at all times and just write it out. Who cares where and who cares with who. Luckily… I did jot down some ideas for writing collections, or story ideas. I need to constantly keep lists like that as well. Have an idea for a painting, jot it down for later when I select painting off my things to do list…

Today I’m going to make 2 serving lasagna and enchilada pie meals to freeze. This way we have dinners in the freezer that just need to be popped in the oven when we want ‘em. And we won’t have to eat out 

New Favorite Quote:

“I wonder if doctors will ever start to prescribe ambition, goals, creativity- paintbrushes, pens and blank journals, lumps of soft clay, anything before resorting to the pills…” 

– Eric Victorino

Momentary Freak-out

Happy Monday!

Last night I had a mini-momentary-freak-out. I called Little Boss from the nightclub gig earlier in the day to see if and when I’d be able to start. He is still waiting to hear on the liquor license and says it will be Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday before they hear anything. Who knows when I’ll start. I had starting trying to do my taxes… why is the government counting state refunds from last years taxes as INCOME this year? WTF? Seriously? At the same time M was (very helpfully) writing up all our options for the move to Hawaii… all I saw was money, money, money every-freaking-where. GAH!

I went into the bedroom and just started crying. I must of had a lot of pent up frustrations because I cried and cried. M came in and laid with me, holding me tight. He told me I’m not alone, we’ll figure this out. I love him. After I calmed down a bit I hopped in the shower to try and relax. I cried some more… I was so frustrated with everything… tired of everything. Mad at myself for having made such bad choices while with the ex… owning a home? Student loans? None of this would be mine, or if it was it wouldn’t be such an issue, had I dropped his ass earlier. Hindsight right? But this whole dramatic experience was good. It was cleansing. I got it all out. Then I told myself… everything will work out for me because it always does. I never give up regardless of how down I get. I might stall and take a step back… but then I go forward stronger than before. I will make this work. I will be happy. I will make ends meet.

This morning I got an email from a part-time reception position I had previously ignored (thinking I had a shot girl job, silly me). He said the position was still available and he was hoping I was still interested. I was. I am going to an interview at 3pm today. If I remember correctly… it’s part time, flex hours and decent pay. I’m thinking that if the club thing ever starts, I may keep both. Flex hours… two days a week I think I’d need to be there until 6pm. So this could work… but it’s money. I would still have the flexibility I crave…

Bleh.

Other than that, the weekend was pretty good. M and I hit the Auto Show on Saturday… saw some cars we were hoping to see. It’s nothing like Detroit’s Auto Show, that’s for sure. Sunday was pretty lax. We had breakfast at our favorite place… then M and I went to his office as he’s trying to plan a surprise bowling party for a co-worker. This back story is this kid is incredibly difficult to like. He’s needy and thinks M is the coolest guy and wants him all to himself. He invites him for weeks in Brazil, but uh, I can’t come. He invites him to Vegas for his birthday… but uh, I can’t come. So he was whining about not having friends ever throw him a party or anything for his birthday. So M, being the nice guy he is, has taken it upon himself to do so. I love him. He also built me a makeshift bookshelf this weekend. I love him.

This morning is snowy and I’ve been paying bills… bleh. How was your weekend?

Looking at things differently…

I was really inspired (I know I’ve said this a million times) by the Creative License and it’s somehow really helped me to look at things differently. Not just the world around me but creativity and expression in general. M and I were talking about how (mostly he thinks) there’s not a lot of great music out there right now… I started talking about what Danny Gregory had said about how some of the most respected artists, be it painter, musician, writer, etc., did what they felt and wanted to do. They expressed themselves and what was inside them and around them. They created something original and unique, simple because it came from their heart. They did what they wanted. They just drew… didn’t try to draw like what’s “in” right now. They created music… not catering to what’s on the top 10. And that’s really inspired me and helped me to appreciate “art” a lot better.

I just read two books in the last couple days. No… I’m not amazing, they were pretty easy reads. Both “Poetry and Prose” books I got for Christmas. The first one is Strata’s lead singer, Eric Victorino and his book Coma Therapy. Then I read Element Eden Advocate Ishle Park’s book The Temperature of This Water. I’ve tried reading both of these before… and for some reason, I just couldn’t get through them. But now I feel like I appreciate the way they write more… not that I didn’t think they were good before, I guess it’s more that I just wasn’t as interested in exploring other people’s ways of expressing? Not sure. All I know is I’m reading lightening fast again and eager to see and learn more about other artists without feeling the need to be “as good as” or “as expressive as” them. Make sense? It does to me and I guess that’s all that matters right, lol. Not that you don’t matter…

It’s made me feel free to express myself like I had done in the past, something I’ve really lost over the years. I was lying in bed after finishing Ishle’s book and was really aware of the moment. I was aware of the feeling of the sheets that I love so much… the slightly loud breathing of M next to me in bed. His arm draped over me, hand in mine. I started thinking about all of the stories I have in me about my life, my family, my dreams. I’m so happy I read The Creative License. I promise not to promote it too much more, I am just so happy that my eyes have been opened again and hope that if you need it too, it will help you.

My “Side” Blog

Stolen from the first post of my side blog: Today I just finished reading The Creative License by Danny Gregory and was inspired to start up one of my old goals. It started with draw once a day… write three times a week… and then one day I was feeling overwhelmed by all the miscellaneous art things I wanted to do. I made the goal, Create Something Every Day. Anything… I can draw a picture. Paint a painting. Make a card for someone. Cook something new, sew something, design a piece of clothing… as long as I was being artistic and creative every single day. Baby steps right?

So come visit my Side Blog and see how I’m doing!

Day 3 Alone: Cloudy

This morning I overslept. I slept through my oil change appointment. Oops. The last two days have been beautiful. Gorgeous (of course while M, who hates Denver with a passion, is out of town). 72 yesterday. This morning I woke up to my alarm at 7:30am. Shut it off. Went back to sleep. It was dark in the room and I was certain that my phone was lying about what time it really was. So I finally awoke (after multiple fights with my pestering, bored kitty) at 10am.

But I did good… I went to the gym and ran! I also stopped off at the grocery store to get some bottled water and more cereal. Lucky day because my favorite protein bars, actually the only ones I can choke down, were finally in stock and on sale. I bought the case. I love these things, they don’t taste GREAT but when it comes to anything healthy, they’re pretty darn good.

So I’ve been eating healthy all day and feeling more positive already. I had and egg-white scramble with turkey bacon. Yummy. I also, have not touched the chocolate easter candies my mom sent me!

I was excited earlier about M coming home. But after my lawyer meeting when I called him he was in one of those “I’m with other people and you’re bothering me” moods. I was upset and then texted him “next time just don’t answer the damn phone.” Seriously. I know that wasn’t the best reaction but it’s out of my hands now. He’ll be getting in at 10:30 and I’m feeling indifferent to it. I wish he’d ride home with his co-worker. I’d almost rather more time alone. Our relationship has been full of so many ups and downs it exhausts me. So much back history to understand it, but all you need to know is I constantly doubt and question.

So no, I don’t want to talk about Hawaii. Again.

Funny thing happened at the lawyers office. We all realized why I went to art school. Any guesses? It’s because I can’t do math. Basically I’m going after the ex for roughly $23,000. Here’s the logic. We took out a $62,000 loan. He took out a $14,000 loan. He owes me half of mine ($31,000) I owe him half of his ($7,000). So… I subtracted $7,000 off of what he owes me. The lawyers agree that this makes perfect logical sense to them as well… then they brought in some smarty-pants collections lawyers who explained to us that basically I gave him $14,000. Add the two totals together and combined we owe roughly $75,000. Split that in half… he owes $37,000. Eh? I still don’t understand how it’s possible to have such different numbers… whatever. I make pretty pictures.

I think that’s all I have to say today…

Day 2 Alone: Cranky

Not because M’s not here… just cranky and frustrated with myself. I have a lot of hindering habits that I need to break. They’re very odd. I’m not socially inept, but like I said yesterday, I almost flaked out on Wing Night - for no good reason. Tonight is a book club meeting (a club I started), and I was thinking of reasons not to go… A texted me and asked if I wanted to work out tonight… I hesitated before saying yes. I’m not really sure what the deal is with this. I think part of it was that I’ve spent the last 8 years in a relationship. No joke. M and I got together literally the day my ex and I broke up (I know how bad that sounds, but it’s a long story), and then were in our own bubble of love for awhile. My ex was very stay at home, jealous and socially inept. So I really missed a lot of opportunities to make lasting friendships. Again, (admitting I have a problem and owning up is the first step), this is no one’s fault but my own… So the social settings seem foreign to me. As Anthony Robbins would say, it’s time to break those patterns! I had such a great time last night. Just weeks ago I was thinking about how great it would be to have some friends, even one good one, that I can just call up and say wanna do this? I’m also having lunch with a girl from the book club on Friday. No excuses… I will not miss anything. And doing so will recondition me to being more comfortable anyways…

I did a lot of writing this afternoon… Thinking about why I’m able to pinpoint all the things in my life that need changing, yet 4 months into this “project” I’m really no where. I’m stuck in a horrible rut… one with many grooves that have been hardened by time. So how do I go about jumping completely out of this rut? I don’t really know. I’m obviously not happy with myself or my life. I’m uncomfortable… I’m angry with myself. What I need is accountability… but I don’t really have anyone to hold me accountable… I can’t afford a coach. Again, not so many great friends and it’s not something you ask a significant other to do… just brings on fights.

I know that I can hold myself accountable. I’ve done it before… I’ve motivated myself. My second to last design job, the owner would go out and buy snacks. Well, one day he let the art director do it. This man has a ferocious sweet tooth and, unfortunately, happened to be craving sweets. He came back with more candy than any kid could possibly dream of for Halloween. He had to have cleaned out Walmart. Well… we were all candy deprived and ate way more than we should have. I felt horrible. I felt like my insides were rotting out… gross, I know. Wasn’t pleasant. That was my motivation. The next day I swore off sweets and soda and promised myself I’d drink 10 glasses of water and eat BFL style. And I did. I did amazing. I was PROUD of myself. I turned down sweets… it was like being off “the juice” and I was prouder with every day, didn’t want to break my “sobriety.” And others were proud of me too.

Then my little sister ended up in the hospital for drug use and I was off to NM to see her (another story for another day). Stress and running from hospitals to counselors to parent’s houses… I wasn’t able to eat right. I could have if I really wanted to, but I didn’t focus on it. And all was lost.

Doing all this thinking made me realize I really haven’t been proud of myself in a long time. I don’t feel a need to make others proud, that’s always a bonus, but not my driving force. I do things for me. I work out for me. I eat right for me. Not M, not my dad, not my mom… no one else. My dad used to tell me he was disappointed in me… more than once in a day a lot of times… I couldn’t live up to his standards of a perfect daughter. I wasn’t like my cousins, I got into trouble and it got to the point that the saying “I’m disappointed in you” lost all meaning. Who cares? What’s freaking new? Then I said it to myself today. I’m disappointed in you. And it felt terrible.

But sometimes terrible is a great thing… terrible motivates you to change, to make things right. To be that better person. And that’s what it’s done for me. Today, I change. This minute I change. This second, I become the person I want to be. No excuses. I’m sitting up straight. I’m drinking water. I’m cleaning my apartment. I’m going out tonight, I’m having fun and I’m getting to where I want to be in less time then I’ve spent wasting time.

–

So funny thing happened as I was typing this post earlier. M called… we chit chatted for awhile and got to talking about going into business for one’s self. I asked him to tell me something nice (something I’ve learned to ask when I want to hear lovey dovey things). It always catches him off guard and he starts with something like, “Uh… I love you… and your butt looks nice…” Then he started telling me nice things about what a rare person I am to find in this world and how fortunate he is. He told me that he would drop everything for me. Then he went on to tell me that he feels a lot of pride about me. He’s proud of me.

We talked for about an hour and then I went to a the book club meeting. It was fun. It’s really nice to be able to talk to people about a book. M doesn’t read… we went to a little coffee shop that served CREPES! Yummy. Then I met A at the gym. She had offered to drive me over but I wanted to swim. We chatted on the ellipticals for about 25 minutes and then parted ways.

Day 1 Alone: Great

So I know I already wrote today, but deal with it, I’m writing again…
I’m in a creative mode.

This morning I dropped M off at the airport. It was an odd goodbye for us. In the past we’ve always been so “I’ll miss you!” and “can’t wait to be back in your arms.” But we’ve either fallen out of love or grown past that because this time it was “I’ll see you in a few days, love you.” and “Have fun!” M did call me when he landed to let me know he was alive and well. My insecurities and worries have absolutely disappeared altogether and I am enjoying my time.

I spent some time online this morning and doing the inspiration thing. After my post I headed out into the beautiful sunshine to the bank. Deposited some much needed money from clients and then decided to head over to Meininger’s (a great art supply store downtown). I was going to look at cover materials for my poetry book… I ended up buying (I know) a new journal. I was so inspired by The Creative License and I didn’t really dig the journal I’ve been keeping, which is probably why I stopped… and I fell in love with these Kunst & Papier Binderboard Sketchbooks:

I love the way it’s bound. M has the camera or I’d post a better picture, but I’ve decided it’s how I’m binding my poetry books. I also bought a red one (square, 8″ x 8″) for my new illustrated journal! I love it and I’ve already covered 3 pages. I may be weird… I may (but highly doubt I am) be the only one… but the type of journal really matters. If I don’t like it… I don’t write in it. I LOVE these. $12… not bad!

After doing some journaling my new* friend A texted me that she was going to girl’s wing night. Something they do every Tuesday… she asked if I’d like to come. My initial reaction was to get out of it. No real reason why, just something I seem to do. But I decided to break that pattern and said yes, I’d love to. It was a blast. I met her roommate and her friend from 2nd grade, as well as a friend she had brought. The roommate’s boyfriend arrived and so did the 2nd grade friends hubby. All these girls ride motorcycles. Totally down to earth sweethearts. I love them. Tuesday-night-wing-night is now part of my weekly schedule. They also invited me to ride with them sometime, of course I’d have to ride bitch with one of the boyfriends. M called while I was out with them. I decided not to answer. He left a message saying he was just seeing what I was up to, I could call him back or maybe he’d call me later. I called him as I was leaving. He said he’s not sure he likes the idea of me going on a ride… “straddling some dude” would make him “a little bit jealous.” If that’s not a man’s way of saying I love you, you’re mine, I don’t know what is He said to let him know what I decide about the ride before hanging up with me, lol.

I then returned home with an upset stomach and journaled a little more. I’m loving it. For some reason, drawing badly is freeing. Again… read the book.

*We never officially met… but she let me know via email that there was an opening at a group brunch and said I should come, I seem nice. I came. But we were at opposite ends of the table. Since then we’ve texted and chatted on myspace.

–

This has made me decide I need to take a look at my plans.
Where am I at and what I need to work on.

Physical:
I feel like a fat lard of sickness. This may sound bad but it’s actually a good thing. The thought of putting anything other than water, fruit, salad and lean protein in my body makes me want to vomit. Sometimes eating badly leads to positive changes… tomorrow… water, salad… eggs. Blah to the rest of the foods!

Emotional:
Technically I was supposed to journal daily since 3/5. I did for a few days, but like I said… didn’t care for the journal. Now I have a great journal so I’m going to give myself a pass and let myself start anew today. You’re going to love what you see when it’s all said and done!

Spiritual:
Definitely need to get going on this. My back is a mess of knots and my mind could really use the meditation time. Journaling is going to be a lighter form (the alpha form) of meditation, but I’d like to sit down for at least 10 minutes a day to clear my head.

Social:
I may have found a good group of girlfriends to hang out with. Hurray for wing night! Oh, and I meant to join a kickball team… must register…

Career:
Okay. Yes, this is on standstill. Need to get that website and logo and everything else done! As far as the clothing line… no progress… I’m adding it to my list of things to schedule.

Creative:
I am working on the poetry book, which I’m still super excited about. A girl I know is looking into group guitar lessons as we speak. Art… nothing. Drawing, I did start a “too nice to draw in” sketch book and will continue that as well as the illustrated journal. Sewing? The machine has not left the box… and I haven’t thought about photography.

Misc:
I baked 6 loaves of banana and apple cinnamon healthy bread two days ago!

–

PS: I made an excellent schedule for tomorrow that I will follow!

Finding Inspiration

I have a terrible (terribly wonderful) habit of buying books. If I need something, say a curling iron, I tend to use it as an excuse to buy through amazon. It’s cheaper! I can buy books and get free shipping!! The other day I bought The Creative License by Danny Gregory. I’ve had my eye on his books for awhile, starting with his memoir, Everyday Matters. When I first got the book and fingered through it I was worried I would just end up looking at the pretty pictures and not reading it… but then I picked it up a couple nights ago and started reading… I love it. Everyone needs to read it, creative or (thinks you’re) not creative. It’s about learning to draw and to really see the world around you. It talks about how this is the sort of thing we lose when we enter adulthood and the “real world.” Creativity goes out the door. We feel like we’re being self indulgent and wasting time. But I myself know, that I need mindless creativity to fuel my happiness and my life.

When I think back to my last truly happy place (before the discovery of swimming), I think back to middle and high school. No, I did NOT enjoy middle or high school. It sucked. A lot. However, my happy place was holed up in my room at my mom’s or my dad’s (depending on who I lived with at the moment) creating art. I would come home from school and go straight to my room, after popping some popcorn and grabbing a soda. I would close the door, turn on the radio and get to work on something. Sometimes I was sitting on the floor of my mom’s-house-room in a cleared space. I tended to be messy… Or I would head to my drawing table by the window in my dad’s-house-room. I would draw… I would paint on little canvases from Hobby Lobby… I would make things. I would write short stories… I would write poetry… at one point I had started a too-nice-to-draw-in-book of stories. I would write them. Then I would cut out clippings from magazines and place them on the blank pages… followed by writing in my short piece. It was going to be great. I never finished, instead I ripped the pages out and stuffed them away with all my other creations. Here are a few pages:

I was going to make a sculpture representative of me. I made a long list of words that represented me and my life… I started making a chicken wire face sculpture that I would paper mache over with newspaper clips on these words. I had it all planned out… I would get a wig, fake eyelashes, even earrings just like the ones I wore. It was going to be awesome. But I never followed through. Now I don’t even know where my mesh/chicken wire sculpture is. I still have the list of words and plans. But nothing to show for it.

I don’t remember really why I never finished either of these things… or the many other projects and art I had. I think part of it was worrying what others would think of it, not considering myself any good and certainly not seeing a point. I was very depressed during these times and got to a point where I felt like there was no point. Some day I would die. I was of no importance so my work would all just… disappear. But it was all so therapeutic and I loved doing it. I know I will love doing it now, I’m just in a place where I haven’t in so long, I feel as though I’ve forgotten how. But there is no “how” to creating, and that’s something I need to remind myself.

A common theme I’ve noticed in reading a few books… artists create because they “have to” and writers write because the “have to.” It’s like food and water. We need it to be happy, to thrive. And I need to find this place again. What better time than while I’m unemployed and M is away. Just looking through old journals and sketchbooks, writing folders and reading books like The Creative License, I feel inspired. I feel empowered to get going.

Home Alone

M is heading to San Fran for a photo shoot from tomorrow until Thursday… meaning I’ll be home alone. I’m partly looking forward to this. While I love M and will miss him, I feel like I can use these three days to get my schedule set up as well as my diet. M knows I’m not feeling confident in my body right now, but he just can’t help himself. A dinner here, a soda there, a donut later… he needs a partner in crime and I haven’t been doing well enough to give him the usual “no, I’m on day whatever of eating perfect!” I also can’t seem to get myself in bed when I want. M will want to watch a movie… or snuggle up. Then I sleep later than planned, and don’t wake up for the gym.

This is not his fault. It’s mine 100%. I think having some time alone will help me to buckle down.

I also really want to get a schedule going. Today I feel was wasted and I really got nothing done. I feel like everything takes longer than it should… I lose track of time and I’m not productive. I haven’t touched my journal, my poetry book… anything. I really need to implement a schedule. I think he leaves early tomorrow, like 7 am. Which means hopefully I’ll be woken up early and can hit the gym. I’m going to plan my day right now…